My sweet 17 year old son has been packing up for his high school Nationals. Today, while I was organizing my bedroom he called up to me from the front room, "Mom, I have a job for you to do." Why in the world was he using my own words--- which he frequently hears me saying??! I called down and told him I was too busy to come, but he kept pestering me! "Mom, I have a job for you!" I finally went out to see why he was bugging me!"
As I approached, C said with a bossy parent tone, "I need you to clean this out." I looked at what he was speaking about, and he had my airplane carry-on (luggage) open where I store my assortment of beads. He wanted to use it for his trip and lifted it up, in what appeared to be an attempt to dump it out.
With a bad attitude I threatened him and said, "If you want another penny for your trip you better not touch my things!" And then I turned to walk off, but I first grumbled to him that I was feeling a lot of pain from what I was doing, and that what he was doing was wasting my time." And I stormed off to finish what I had planned to.
Feeling badly I didn't act very much like Jesus would want me to I immediately walked back down the hall and said, "C, I'm sorry for talking that way to you, but I really do find it frustrating that you keep talking about that suitcase and trying to dump it out. Find another one because I don't want you touching my things" I had gone to apologize but I ended up being sour again!
I came in my room and began some task, but I didn't felt unsettled about acting meanly. I silently began to pray as I worked and I said, "Heavenly Father, I know that should have talked more kindly and softer, but I find it so frustrating that...." As I was praying I had the thought that he was just having fun with me, and had not trying to rile me up. Normally, I enjoy his humor, but not tonight, and in my mood I had missed his attempted humor.
I walked back down the hall to try apologizing again! I was still upset because I still was feeling pride (Isn't that the root of anger?!) As soon as I walked out I began to speak to him from a distance... "C, please forgive me for how I spoke to you. I should have been kinder." A strange thing happened. As I said those words all of my pride melted. I felt sweetness and peace overcome me.
Unfortunately as I approached him he was now feeling upset at me by how I'd been acting and he said angrily, "You've already apologized to me and you didn't mean it!" I replied with a laugh in my voice and animated dance-like hand motions (common to the Italian girl in me), "Well, third times the charm, and I'm trying to learn to repent quickly."
The mood was lightened and C, replied with his usual humor, "Oh really? Well, we'll just see about that!" He went to take my jewelry supply suitcase and lift it to dump it! I said, "No way, I'm not looking!" And laughing I turn away, because I didn't want to watch-- just in case he did! (No, he didn't dump it! He really was teasing.)
I feel ashamed to admit that I acted that way to begin with because I know I should be in control of my attitude and behavior at all times- no matter what someone else may or may not be doing. Apparently I have room for improvement!
I really share this to say that there is a God that loves us as imperfect as we are, and doing the right things can bring a special sweetness in to our lives.
But, as strange as this is going to sound, I also need to say that there is also a devil, and he is focused on making our lives a literal "living hell"! I know because for those few minutes tonight I felt glimpses of it in the pride and anger of my heart and mind. It felt sick and miserable.
If we aren't quick to repent (defined: change our way and try to act better) we will not feel peace of mind and heart. But, when we do the things that we know we need to do, even as simple as saying "I'm sorry," we can feel the sweet peace that only God can offer.
At other times, acting like God would have you act, may mean that you just choose not to speak unkindly, even where you are being "reviled," mistreated, or "falsely accused." Your prayers may need to be focused on being kind and humble, even where you feel things aren't fair.
The truth of the matter is that we can only do our individual best, and leave the real battles of life for God to fight for us. God will fight those battles, IF we let Him, and additionally He can give us peace and heal us--no matter what trials we face.
19 I create the fruit (sweetness of speech) of the lips; Peace, peace to him that is far off, and to him that is near, saith the Lord; and I will heal him.
Love,
Christine
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