Day 36 of 365 days of solace: Spiritual Crisis

I have struggled on a matter of concern the last 24 hours.  Consequently, I was battling my demons of self-doubt. I began wondering the validity of my feelings and understanding of life. I won't go into it too deeply, but I would like to share a small portion of a letter I wrote a friend today.  I hope it will help you, as it did me!

MY LETTER EXCERPT: 

I don't know whether it was a talk I listened to in priesthood session,James E. Faust , or a combinations of many things; but somewhere along the lines of recent pondering, I realized that there is nothing I face on earth- no fear of anything or anyone, no doubt, no loneliness, sorrow, etc.---nothing, absolutely nothing, that I will ever face alone. I may internally feel very alone sometimes. I may see myself literally alone sometimes. BUT, I will never truly be alone, unaccounted for, or bereft of a loving God and Savior, even though I may on occasion feel as such. 

I woke up yesterday morning to the song, "He is always near me, though I do not see him there, and because he loves me dearly I am in His constant care." I don't understand those sentiments as I should. I doubt myself and my capacity to understand spiritual things with clarity-which doesn't make fertile learning ground- but I have hope through the perfection of Christ. 

 I decided to watch a speech I was directed to (with the word to my mind of "conquistador") ...I will share a quote among many, which helps me understand my small spiritual crisis of the moment...  

"You see, we must be what God calls a “peculiar” or a “holy” people. At its most basic root, the word holy means to be set aside or to be different than everything else. ... If we are truly going to be holy, we will have to overcome our desire to fit in and think like everyone else and instead relish the idea of thinking more like God and less like this world. That is why God commands His Latter-day Saints to “go ye out from Babylon” (D&C 133:5). Leaving intellectual Babylon and becoming holy, ..., or peculiar will cause us to be like Enoch’s people, who “confessed they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth” (D&C 45:13). In other words, many of the ways you think and feel now will eventually come to feel foreign to your higher, holier way of thinking. "

"Second, you must honestly ask yourself what worldly influenced ideas you are clinging to and then do everything you can to eradicate those ideas from your system....especially in times of crisis."

https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/kerry-m-muhlestein_why-we-must-be-wholeheartedly-holy/ 

The other morning I woke up with the hymn "O' Babylon we bid thee farewell," I didn't understand it then, but I do now! I need to change my thoughts of not fitting in, being different, gossiped about, etc. I must learn to truly accept God's opinion wholeheartedly, and "bid Babylon...farewell." ...

....I'm off to vanquish my doubts with a sword of faith! If you have any doubts===>> here's an invisible sword of immense faith (double sided,even!), which I can spare for you! :)   <<<<========================>>>>  

... I hope that you are comforted, assured, and blessed through the peace of Jesus Christ. He has complete capacity to heal hearts and minds. Hebrews 12:1-2- I take comfort in that. 

Christine

....it creeps in

Discouragement.  I've heard it said it's the devil's number one tool used to destroy us.  I believe it!  Have you ever noticed that things are going along fine, and then suddenly you start worrying and doubting.  Wondering if you are good enough to be loved?  Smart enough to succeed?  Or brave enough to overcome the very real challenges we each face?

Just the other night I experienced the beginning subtleties of discouragement when I posted this meme I created on Facebook.  Discouragement silently crept in and took a seat next to me.  It whispered thoughts to me like, "See, what you did isn't good enough.  Only 2 people out of the masses clicked 'like.'"  "Look how good everyone else's memes are.  Their art is crisp, clean and trendy art. Your art is too busy, boring, and just plain out of style."

I went to bed feeling like I really have no potential to become someone who has the artistic ability to fit in anywhere.  I felt upset and weakened. Yes, I felt a bit defeated.  These are not feelings I enjoy.  Who does?! They leave us feeling sick to our stomachs.  These feelings leave thinking we are useless and we ought to give up.

God does not discourage us.  He may redirect us, if we are going on the wrong path, but he will never tell us

we are useless failures. These thoughts and feelings that stem from discouragement are lies of the devil! Don't believe them for a minute!  And if you do..... as I did.... let them last only a minute in the grand scheme of things.

What can you do to fight against discouragement?

• Pray for his help to understand your worth  
• Pray for his comfort, and do things that will uplift your spirits  
• Even when you don't feel much like lifting them 
• Visit someone who is sick or lonely, take cookies to brighten someone else's day 
• sent a not of appreciation to someone who did something kind for you 
• read your scriptures 
• play beautiful, inspiring music 
• hug a child and read them a story  
• Shut off the television or video games-- take a walk in nature  
• Sing a song, or dance the hokey pokey
• If you play an instrument--go and play it!  

Whatever thing you do, make sure it is something that doesn't keep you feeling self absorbed and mulling over your real or imaged concerns and problems.

I listened to conference talks, good music, studied my scriptures, and prayed.  There were many factors to why I felt better when I woke, but the main thing is that I had to focus with gratitude on the fact that Heavenly Father, has blessed me, and will continue to bless me---as I do my part.

All I need to worry about is making sure I do the things that would please Heavenly Father, and have the actions of my life be "^awritten not with ink, but with the Spirit of the living God; not in ^btables of stone, but in ^cfleshy tables of the ^dheart." (2 Corinthians 3:3)




My prayer is that you may find the joy there is to be had within whatever circumstances you may find yourself.  Heavenly Father wants us to feel joy and gratitude.

Sincerely, Christine

P.S.  For more severe, long term cases or discouragement, depression, and/or despair I would urge you to not hesitate to seek counsel from a professional counselor, or LDS bishop.  There is help and hope for you.

Answers to prayer

If we listen, and seek to know God's will through prayer and scripture, and righteous actions, we will have His comfort and direction.  The amazing thing is that He speaks to us in the way we each understand. 

 Often I will have a song come into my thoughts (because I'm very musical), and it's usually very quietly done, so I usually sit, kneel, or stand very still (usually closing my eyes) and pray to know what the song is.  Other times it may be a few words, a concept I had never considered, a scripture, or even a memory of something I had been told by a family member, read in a book, or heard on the radio.  I've learned it continues to take me a lot of practice and prayer, and even still I sometimes miss those heavenly message, because I wasn't willing to stop and listen in my haste or worry.

In (the Bible) book of James 1:5 it reads
5 If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.

I know the truth of this!  Tonight, as I knelt in prayer expressing my concern about getting certain matters in my life in order,  I became aware that over my words I was hearing a melody.  It was faint and first, and I struggled to identify it.  So I held still, set aside the things I was praying about, and

prayed to know what the song was.  And then the words came to my memory from a song I learned more than 20 years ago...

"If there be trials Lord to help me grown.  If Thou wilt guide me I will conquer this I know.  I will go and do the things which the Lord commandeth.  For I know that he giveth no commands to His children, except he prepare a way.  Except he prepare a way."





And I took comfort from those words of a Janice Kapp Perry song for my high school years (A Missionary's Pray [I will go, I will do]).  I knew I will be taken care of by him, as I keep my heart reaching upward. (full words at this link: http://www.lds.org/new-era/1984/03/a-missionarys-prayer-i-will-go-and-do)

I hope and pray that each of us will care more about God's will for our life, than our own personals wills and agendas. 

I also hope you know I am not even remotely proclaiming perfection, nor trying to brag.  It's just that my heart has become less selfish about me, and a lot more interested in God.  And I feel so much more love in my heart for Him, and those around me.

I have a long way to go though.  Trust me when I say this!  While it's true I've become nicer in many ways, because of my efforts, but
I'm still much too difficult and ornery. :(  The neat thing is that I have hope through Jesus Christ and His saving atonement that I can become better through Him.  AND SO CAN YOU!  Heavenly Father wants us to be happy, but it takes effort, diligence, and consistency on our part.

Come to Jesus by Kenneth Cope

This song is absolutely beautiful.  I hope you will listen. (p.s. My husband is in this video as a shepherd too!)

Here are a few of the words.  I'll try to put the rest up tomorrow.

"When the love spills over
and music fills the night,
and you can't contain your joy inside,
then dance for Jesus, and live!"
"With your final heartbeat
kiss your world goodbye. 
Go in peace and laugh on glories side,
and fly to Jesus and live!"
Christine