Yesterday I spent a good amount of time over the course of 18 hours sobbing. I do not cry often, so that was very uncommon for me. My eyes were red and swollen, nose runny and stuffy. It got to the point that with each new tear that the skin on my cheeks and eyes began to sting and burn. Hard to explain, unless you've cried so much and you understand. I wanted to stop. I prayed to have angels buoy me up. But sometimes tears are a necessary part of growing and learning and accepting.
Last night at around 10:30pm, I went out on my back deck and in the darkness and silence of the night I made a digital recorder entry about my feelings and my day. I tearfully poured out my heart to my journal (which is a small handheld Sony digital recorder that I purchased about a year ago in the Wal-mart electronics section. Tip: Make sure it has a USB connecting port, or it's worthless--and you'll be unable to put your MP3 files onto your computer.). While bearing my soul to my recorder, I pinpointed exactly why I was so upset. It had a good deal to do with fear and self-pity. Never a good combination. :\
After honestly sharing my heart through my words, something seem to change in me and my fountain of tears were dried up. I can't tell you that I stopped because I figured out the logical and emotional reasons behind my tears. I truly believe there were prayers on my behalf, and those prayers and the help of unseen angels blessed me to become calm once again, and trust all things to God's care.
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| Saint of the Day / Feast of Guardian Angels |
"I've
had a terrible internal struggle through the night and all day. Too
many tears to count. I felt grateful that a friend thought of me
tonight from my ward (church) and brought me delicious cookies. I
counted her visit a "tender mercy" from the Lord, because she told me a
little story of how I made a difference in her life, and I knew it
wasn't coincidence that on the day I felt so terribly low and
distraught, that the Lord was there with a one of His children to remind
me of my worth."
(If you are curious to understand what a "tender mercy from the Lord" is about, I highly recommend the whole article which I will quote here. It's all very beautiful and inspiring!
(If you are curious to understand what a "tender mercy from the Lord" is about, I highly recommend the whole article which I will quote here. It's all very beautiful and inspiring!
“But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance” (1 Ne. 1:20).
"Since
last October I have reflected repeatedly upon the phrase “the tender
mercies of the Lord.” Through personal study, observation, pondering,
and prayer, I believe I have come to better understand that the Lord’s
tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings,
strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses,
consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and
because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ. Truly, the Lord suits “his mercies according to the conditions of the children of men” (D&C 46:15).
Recall
how the Savior instructed His Apostles that He would not leave them
comfortless. Not only would He send “another Comforter” (John 14:16), even the Holy Ghost, but the Savior said that He would come to them (see John 14:18).
Let me suggest that one of the ways whereby the Savior comes to each of
us is through His abundant and tender mercies. For instance, as you and
I face challenges and tests in our lives, the gift of faith and an
appropriate sense of personal confidence that reaches beyond our own
capacity are two examples of the tender mercies of the Lord. Repentance
and forgiveness
of sins and peace of conscience are examples of the tender mercies of
the Lord. And the persistence and the fortitude that enable us to press
forward with cheerfulness through physical limitations and spiritual
difficulties are examples of the tender mercies of the Lord.
In
a recent stake conference, the tender mercies of the Lord were evident
in the touching testimony of a young wife and mother of four whose
husband was slain in Iraq in December of 2003. This stalwart sister
recounted how, after being notified of her husband’s death, she received
his Christmas card and message. In the midst of the abrupt reality of a
dramatically altered life came to this good sister a timely and tender
reminder that indeed families can be together forever. With permission I
quote from that Christmas card:
“To the best family
in the world! Have a great time together and remember the true meaning
of Christmas! The Lord has made it possible for us to be together
forever. So even when we are apart, we will still be together as a
family.
“God bless and keep y’all safe and grant this Christmas to be our gift of love from us to Him above!!!
“All my love, Daddy and your loving husband!”
Clearly,
the husband’s reference to being apart in his Christmas greeting
referred to the separation caused by his military assignment. But to
this sister, as a voice from the dust from a departed eternal companion
and father, came a most needed spiritual reassurance and witness. As I
indicated earlier, the Lord’s tender mercies do not occur randomly or
merely by coincidence. Faithfulness, obedience, and humility invite
tender mercies into our lives, and it is often the Lord’s timing that
enables us to recognize and treasure these important blessings." Elder David A. Bednar
*****
Today my husband and I took our 5 young children to a summer fun event for families at our local library. It was sunny, a warm 83 degrees, and there were long lines for the bounce houses. I stood outside one bounce house while my 3 and 6 year old jumped happily inside.
A little boy of about 7 walks up carrying his uncooperative 3 year old sister. He climbs in with her in his arms and proceeds to jump around with her. Often falling down, but still he clutches her to his chest. I watched with interest, wondering why she didn't jump herself.As this scenario played out, I realized she wasn't being "uncooperative" at all. She was disabled. Unable to move herself. Her arms and feet remained practically frozen in the same position, and her neck never moved from it's awkward tilted back position. At one point as he fell forward with her in his arms he called out to his Mama that he needed help. She had an infant in an umbrella stroller. She checked on the infant, then left her there unattended to go talk to the boy through the bounce house screen. Mom gave him a few words of encouragement, then came back to baby.
Not long after, brother came out with his disabled sister. This adorable little Latin girl had big brown eyes that only rolled up toward her eyelids, never directly focusing at anything. She also had a big beautiful grin. She was non-verbal, but the one thing she seemed to have some control over was a few of the muscles in her big smile. It was clear, as her Mama took this girl in her arms to kiss her, that even though she was severely disabled she was still a very happy child. Our spirits may be confined in the prison of our bodies, or circumstances, but with purity we can feel joy within our soul.
I stood there waiting for my children to come out, and politely trying to study the situation from only a couple of feet away from the Mom. I wondered what condition this child had. I wondered how the Mom could handle such a challenge. I wondered how exhausting it must be. I wondered if this girl would live a long life. I wondered so many things, and had so many thoughts rushing through my mind.
The woman soon left with her and her 3 children. I felt upset at myself for not trying to talk to this Mom. At the time I didn't know what to say. As I continued watching her now from a greater distance I couldn't help but consider the trial that must be. I prayed for this Mom and family. I wanted to rush up to that Mom and tell her that I was praying for her. I wanted to tell her that I watched her and I could tell she loves her children very much. (I have to consider the extra effort it takes to get 3 children out the door anytime, but when one of them is severely disabled it's much harder.)
As human nature often does, I made excuses for myself to not go over to her. I told myself that if I saw her again near one of the bounce houses that I would make sure to tell her what I was thinking, and give her a hug and pat on the shoulder. That moment never came. Here I stood knowing how just last night an act of kindness blessed me in a moment of need, and yet I chose to miss out on a chance to tell someone they are doing a good job in some difficult circumstances. Next time I will make sure not to miss out on letting someone know that I think they are doing a good job. I think it would have made her day. And would have brought joy to me too.
I did cry a few tears for that woman and the difficult journey she has to make. But not like I cried for myself the night before. The tears I cried for me were because of self-pity, the tears I cried for her were of compassion. God is far more pleased when we shed tears of compassion, because compassion moves us to change.
Tomorrow is another day. I will make an effort to find someone/others to say a kind and genuine word to.
Last night, as I slept I heard some songs that I knew were from heaven. I took comfort from them. While sound asleep I heard these words play into my mind, "Smile though your heart is aching, smile though if feels like breaking..." (sleepily I record such songs in my nearby digital journal.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=efdBPVu5Pws
Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile
Later in the night I heard The Battle Hymn of the Republic song. Here are the two verses that stand out to me particularly. I feel tremendous significance through the words, because I want to learn to be swift to answer him. With all my soul I want to have "jubilant" feet as I act through the stages and choices of my life. I know that through Jesus Christ any soul can be transfigured (changed) and we can become so much more than we ever thought we could, if we will just look and live like Him.
"He has sounded forth the trumpet that shall never call retreat;
He is sifting out the hearts of men before his judgment seat.
Oh, be swift, my soul, to answer him; be jubilant my feet!
Our God is marching on. "
"In the beauty of the lilies, Christ was born across the sea,
With a glory in his bosom that transfigures you and me.
As he died to make men holy, let us live to make men free,
While God is marching on."
Will you join me in standing in the ranks of God's army, and standing for truth, kindness and love wherever you stand? I hope so!! Let's work on it together. I know I have a lot of room for improvement.
-
Doctrine and Covenants 27:15
15 Wherefore, lift up your hearts and rejoice, and gird up your loins, and take upon you my whole armor, that ye may be able to withstand the evil day, having done all, that ye may be able to stand.
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