My heart is truly thankful to Heavenly Father today. I wish I could adequately put into words how happy, and peaceful my heart feels. Indeed. These past two days I have had some very special experiences.
My first special experience was yesterday. My husband was very kind and drove my children and I to another state to attend the baptism of sister's child. Here's is what I wrote in my journal about the day:
My first special experience was yesterday. My husband was very kind and drove my children and I to another state to attend the baptism of sister's child. Here's is what I wrote in my journal about the day:
11 October 2014
"My highlight of Beckie's house was talking alone with her when I went to leave, and all her other guests had gone. She was very sick and it was the first day of her nasty cold and diarrea. I had opted not to hug her all day, but I had to the thought, as I stood there about to leave, that I should. And I followed the impression and hugged her (as I am a bit of a germ-o-phobe that wasn't my favorite thought;), but as I did so my heart felt full of love for her, and my insecurities and sore spots seemed to melt away."I haven't seen her in many months, and it was interesting, because as I hugged her, I could sense how deeply it meant to her. It was a hug where the person it clutching you. She had acted all along that it was alright none of us hug her, because of her sickness, but I could tell it meant a lot to her, because I let go thinking we were done hugging, and realized she was still holding onto me. So I re-hugged her.
 |
| Little Beckie and Christine as young girls. |
When we finished hugging we each said, "I love you" and then parted. As I climbed into the van, I felt teary, and thankful. I needed that moment to remind me of why I have her as my sister. Too many other things had gotten in the way of our relationship over the last year, and I had forgotten some of the feelings I once had. The power of remembering is healing.
My second experience was feeling I should bear my testimony and tell my ward that I was a hoarder. It was hard for me. Not exactly at the top of my "wish list!"
My continued motivation and desire was to inspire anyone else to change and draw closer to Heavenly Father. Even if it was frightening, and even if I worried what people would think of me, I am thankful if I can be found worthy to be on His errand.
Sharing my testimony didn't come without a struggle last week though. I felt very nervous at the thought that I possibly should share my personal experiences. I didn't want to "say too much." I didn't want to say things that would let people know too many of my weaknesses, or challenges. But, when I prayed about it, everything seemed to suggest I should bear my testimony for all those present to hear.
Through the week I prayed about what I might say, in an effort to prepare. I prayed about what order of things to say, or what stories I could share to make a memorable point. (I knew that I did no want to get up there to the microphone and speak a personal agenda. I wanted to be open and worthy of the spirit of God to direct me, so that I might be an instrument in his hands.)
As you can tell, I worried a lot about the possibility of sharing my testimony. One night, just a few days prior to Sunday, when I was too worried to sleep, I said, "Heavenly Father, I'm going to let this go, and allow You to give me the words that I need to speak--if bearing my testimony is what you want me to do. I knew He could direct my words when I stood up.
Jump ahead to church today. There I stood, pouring out the feelings of my heart, I tried to pause and allow the spirit to shape the form of my testimony. I tried to listen to the ideas that came to my mind. I did not saying everything perfectly, but when I finished I no longer felt that nervous, "I should give my testimony" feeling. I felt peace.
I spoke of many things in my testimony, but one thing I specifically shared was an experience I had a couple of years back, with our last bishop. I told them how I sat in the bishop's office with my husband. And there was complete silence (except the sound of my tears!) as I looked into the eyes of this good man, who was called of God. I had a question on my heart, but was afraid to ask it.
Here is an excerpt from my journal entry that day--with additional information with what he spoke to my husband and I about. 11 March 2012
How can I put into words the feelings of my heart? I sat with my amazing, and inspired Mormon (LDS) Bishop today, and was counseled by him that the most grand, amazing, and eternally beautiful pieces of ART that I have created are my children, and there is nothing more important in this world than putting my time and effort into helping shape and mold their hearts and lives in the ways of God and His paths righteousness.
The spirit of God was strong in the bishop's office that day, and the spirit could tangibly be felt in the air. My bishop broke the silence, by looking directly in my eyes, and with piercing strength and kindness spoke the answer to the deepest worry of my heart. He said, "It is not too late. It is not to late." And I cried harder.
Heavenly Father had answered my unspoken question through this righteous man--- "Is it too late for my children, or have we destroyed and scarred them for life by the way we've lived?" [I was particularly worried about our oldest son. (Who, at the time, struggled with oppositional defiance disorder.--He has since had a miracle of being healed from that, as we began daily family scripture study and prayer. And in turn he began doing those same thing, plus journal writing, on his own!) I repeat again, God works miracles!]
In my testimony I also spoke of a few of my personal experiences, and encouraged them to take the things that control them, and let God heal their lives-- be it things they can do on their own, or things that require the help of the bishop. I spoke to them of having the courage to change their lives.
Heavenly Father knows that I am (now) willing to sacrifice my own comfort to do His work on earth. Even in my small ways like sharing my testimony of His power and love for each of us. I hope I can make a difference, for the better, in the lives of others because of my willingness to share my experiences, and my love for Heavenly Father, and the miracles that are now seen in my life, because I gave my heart and hands to God.
After I sat down from sharing my testimony, my insecurities started to play in my mind. I began to
worry if I'd really done the right thing. After all, I'd just announced my secret problem! And that was not completely comfortable. I received repeated confirmation of the good of what I'd done, when after sacrament the stake president came up and thanked me, and MANY others for the next two hours at church came up and hugged me, put their arms around me, expressed their love for me, and showed kindness and appreciation. I even had some youth come up and thank me for my testimony.
It seemed that I'd struck a chord with the congregation, because of my humility and willingness to confess before them what has caused me so many problems--a long life history of depression and hoarding. And of their own witness, in confirmation to my words, they have of themselves see how I've turned my life, home, and family around. What has happened in our home is nothing short of a miracle, which testifies and witnesses of God's power, mercy, and grace.
My third experience occurred after tonight's amazing fireside (religious devotional) at the church. I said something in my testimony that touched upon something a threat a ward member had made to me regarding my children. I didn't point her out specifically by name, but I wanted people to realize that we get warning voices that often come from the people closest to us, and we should heed those voices.
I felt some concern, after I referred subtly to her threat, that she would think I was still upset over the incident. Which, I'm sure, some people would not have let go. But Heavenly Father has helped me to forgive people in my life, in a way that to this point I could not do. I used to be VERY slow to forgive. If I forgave at all!
After church, I went to work. I'm a demo lady at Walmart :) During my lunch break I explained in a lovely flower greeting cart, that I have long forgiven her, and that I have truly come to love and appreciate her.
I had wanted to hand deliver it to her house, but I didn't get off work in time, and I had to hurry home to get my two teenage children to the devotional by 7 pm. (I felt she needed this message that day--as I suspected she might feel a little upset over what I'd said).
At the devotional, I saw the woman I referenced in my testimony. Afterward, I went up to her and handed her the note I wrote her on my break, and then I hugged her. She seemed worried and concerned. I said, "I've been wanting to write you for a while now, but after my testimony today I felt I should do it immediately."
She quickly processed what my note was about, and she hugged me again, and then when she pulled away she became very quiet, as though she wanted to say something. I watched and waited. She suddenly burst our crying and told me something she never had before said, "Oh Christine, I am so sorry." I hugged her. I told her I loved her, and I've long forgiven her, and we proceeded to share a very sacred few minutes of love and forgiveness.
Every time I thought we were finished and I was ready to walk away, she'd break the parting silence, and speak. One thing she said truly struck my heart. She said, "Christine, I love to watch you. You have become so happy and radiant. You are an inspiration to me." Those words meant a lot to me to hear. Not because I've done that myself. But because it shows how Heavenly Father has given me strength and energy to become new person through Christ. I replied as such, and spoke of how He has blessed me, and how that means a great deal to me.
She spoke other things to me, but I reassured her that all was well. That it was a lesson we both learned from. I hugged her in parting, and again assured her that all I felt was love for her. I walked away, and felt a joy hard to describe.
Later on, as I contemplated why my heart felt so much joy, I realized that it was not only a sacred moment, but it was moment that was cleansing. My heart felt purified, and any lingering sore spots of doubt, or worry were washed away. I felt so much gratitude to Heavenly Father, because he is making a new woman out of me. A woman who is becoming meek and humble. A woman who worries less about being verbally strong and sharp spoken, and instead one who tries to speak with softer tones, intentions, and kindness.
I never knew I could be this way. In itself it is a miracle. And it's a possibility for everyone. Not just for me. But it can only come through learning to rely on Heavenly Father, and allowing him to sand my rough edges. This sanding comes of self-sacrifice, and sincere seeking. It requires diligent and daily scripture study and prayer. Weekly church attendance. Service to others. Namely it requires physical and spiritual labor. SUMMED UP: I have given my whole heart to Heavenly Father!
I'm not the same woman I used to be, sitting and watching movies, eating in bed, or spending wasted, mindless hours online. It means that the new me cleans house daily. And I don't make excuses for myself anymore. I am in control of my life. I have no one to blame. I can't even blame the abuses and trauma of my childhood. Although they affected me, they are no longer an excuse for me. I have looked to God for healing, and I have found it.
At this recent LDS General Conference (watch or read the talks here:), I was struck in particular by this talk: Approaching the Throne of God with Confidence-- BY ELDER JÖRG KLEBINGAT
On my way home from work, I could tell I was getting a migraine. (They are very uncommon for me.) I could feel my headache growing, and I felt nauseated, and I felt like I was going to be very sick. But oh, how I wanted to go to the fireside to feel spiritually uplifted, and to have that time with my son and daughter. I prayed that Heavenly Father would remove my headache.
When I go home I quickly ate 2 cookies on the stove, and took 4 ibuprofin. I hurried down the hall to my bedroom to grab something, and as I did so a beautiful song played into my memory (by Janice Kapp Perry).. "Thanks for the music, that's in me..." And I smiled and offered a silent prayer of sincere gratitude for my blessing of songs in the night (and day!).
My second experience was feeling I should bear my testimony and tell my ward that I was a hoarder. It was hard for me. Not exactly at the top of my "wish list!"
My continued motivation and desire was to inspire anyone else to change and draw closer to Heavenly Father. Even if it was frightening, and even if I worried what people would think of me, I am thankful if I can be found worthy to be on His errand.
Sharing my testimony didn't come without a struggle last week though. I felt very nervous at the thought that I possibly should share my personal experiences. I didn't want to "say too much." I didn't want to say things that would let people know too many of my weaknesses, or challenges. But, when I prayed about it, everything seemed to suggest I should bear my testimony for all those present to hear.
As you can tell, I worried a lot about the possibility of sharing my testimony. One night, just a few days prior to Sunday, when I was too worried to sleep, I said, "Heavenly Father, I'm going to let this go, and allow You to give me the words that I need to speak--if bearing my testimony is what you want me to do. I knew He could direct my words when I stood up.
Jump ahead to church today. There I stood, pouring out the feelings of my heart, I tried to pause and allow the spirit to shape the form of my testimony. I tried to listen to the ideas that came to my mind. I did not saying everything perfectly, but when I finished I no longer felt that nervous, "I should give my testimony" feeling. I felt peace.
I spoke of many things in my testimony, but one thing I specifically shared was an experience I had a couple of years back, with our last bishop. I told them how I sat in the bishop's office with my husband. And there was complete silence (except the sound of my tears!) as I looked into the eyes of this good man, who was called of God. I had a question on my heart, but was afraid to ask it.
Here is an excerpt from my journal entry that day--with additional information with what he spoke to my husband and I about. 11 March 2012
The spirit of God was strong in the bishop's office that day, and the spirit could tangibly be felt in the air. My bishop broke the silence, by looking directly in my eyes, and with piercing strength and kindness spoke the answer to the deepest worry of my heart. He said, "It is not too late. It is not to late." And I cried harder.
Heavenly Father had answered my unspoken question through this righteous man--- "Is it too late for my children, or have we destroyed and scarred them for life by the way we've lived?" [I was particularly worried about our oldest son. (Who, at the time, struggled with oppositional defiance disorder.--He has since had a miracle of being healed from that, as we began daily family scripture study and prayer. And in turn he began doing those same thing, plus journal writing, on his own!) I repeat again, God works miracles!]
In my testimony I also spoke of a few of my personal experiences, and encouraged them to take the things that control them, and let God heal their lives-- be it things they can do on their own, or things that require the help of the bishop. I spoke to them of having the courage to change their lives.
Heavenly Father knows that I am (now) willing to sacrifice my own comfort to do His work on earth. Even in my small ways like sharing my testimony of His power and love for each of us. I hope I can make a difference, for the better, in the lives of others because of my willingness to share my experiences, and my love for Heavenly Father, and the miracles that are now seen in my life, because I gave my heart and hands to God.
After I sat down from sharing my testimony, my insecurities started to play in my mind. I began to
It seemed that I'd struck a chord with the congregation, because of my humility and willingness to confess before them what has caused me so many problems--a long life history of depression and hoarding. And of their own witness, in confirmation to my words, they have of themselves see how I've turned my life, home, and family around. What has happened in our home is nothing short of a miracle, which testifies and witnesses of God's power, mercy, and grace.
My third experience occurred after tonight's amazing fireside (religious devotional) at the church. I said something in my testimony that touched upon something a threat a ward member had made to me regarding my children. I didn't point her out specifically by name, but I wanted people to realize that we get warning voices that often come from the people closest to us, and we should heed those voices.
I felt some concern, after I referred subtly to her threat, that she would think I was still upset over the incident. Which, I'm sure, some people would not have let go. But Heavenly Father has helped me to forgive people in my life, in a way that to this point I could not do. I used to be VERY slow to forgive. If I forgave at all!
I had wanted to hand deliver it to her house, but I didn't get off work in time, and I had to hurry home to get my two teenage children to the devotional by 7 pm. (I felt she needed this message that day--as I suspected she might feel a little upset over what I'd said).
At the devotional, I saw the woman I referenced in my testimony. Afterward, I went up to her and handed her the note I wrote her on my break, and then I hugged her. She seemed worried and concerned. I said, "I've been wanting to write you for a while now, but after my testimony today I felt I should do it immediately."
She quickly processed what my note was about, and she hugged me again, and then when she pulled away she became very quiet, as though she wanted to say something. I watched and waited. She suddenly burst our crying and told me something she never had before said, "Oh Christine, I am so sorry." I hugged her. I told her I loved her, and I've long forgiven her, and we proceeded to share a very sacred few minutes of love and forgiveness.
Every time I thought we were finished and I was ready to walk away, she'd break the parting silence, and speak. One thing she said truly struck my heart. She said, "Christine, I love to watch you. You have become so happy and radiant. You are an inspiration to me." Those words meant a lot to me to hear. Not because I've done that myself. But because it shows how Heavenly Father has given me strength and energy to become new person through Christ. I replied as such, and spoke of how He has blessed me, and how that means a great deal to me.She spoke other things to me, but I reassured her that all was well. That it was a lesson we both learned from. I hugged her in parting, and again assured her that all I felt was love for her. I walked away, and felt a joy hard to describe.
Later on, as I contemplated why my heart felt so much joy, I realized that it was not only a sacred moment, but it was moment that was cleansing. My heart felt purified, and any lingering sore spots of doubt, or worry were washed away. I felt so much gratitude to Heavenly Father, because he is making a new woman out of me. A woman who is becoming meek and humble. A woman who worries less about being verbally strong and sharp spoken, and instead one who tries to speak with softer tones, intentions, and kindness.
I never knew I could be this way. In itself it is a miracle. And it's a possibility for everyone. Not just for me. But it can only come through learning to rely on Heavenly Father, and allowing him to sand my rough edges. This sanding comes of self-sacrifice, and sincere seeking. It requires diligent and daily scripture study and prayer. Weekly church attendance. Service to others. Namely it requires physical and spiritual labor. SUMMED UP: I have given my whole heart to Heavenly Father!
I'm not the same woman I used to be, sitting and watching movies, eating in bed, or spending wasted, mindless hours online. It means that the new me cleans house daily. And I don't make excuses for myself anymore. I am in control of my life. I have no one to blame. I can't even blame the abuses and trauma of my childhood. Although they affected me, they are no longer an excuse for me. I have looked to God for healing, and I have found it.
At this recent LDS General Conference (watch or read the talks here:), I was struck in particular by this talk: Approaching the Throne of God with Confidence-- BY ELDER JÖRG KLEBINGAT
Whenever the adversary cannot persuade imperfect yet striving Saints such as you to abandon your belief in a personal and loving God, he employs a vicious campaign to put as much distance as possible between you and God. The adversary knows that faith in Christ—the kind of faith that produces a steady stream of tender mercies and even mighty miracles—goes hand in hand with a personal confidence that you are striving to choose the right. For that reason he will seek access to your heart to tell you lies—lies that Heavenly Father is disappointed in you, that the Atonement is beyond your reach, that there is no point in even trying, that everyone else is better than you, that you are unworthy, and a thousand variations of that same evil theme.
As long as you allow these (negative) voices to chisel away at your soul, you can’t approach the throne of God with real confidence. Whatever you do, whatever you pray for, whatever hopes for a miracle you may have, there will always be just enough self-doubt chipping away at your faith—not only your faith in God but also your confidence in yourself. Living the gospel in this manner is no fun, nor is it very healthy. Above all, it is completely unnecessary! The decision to change is yours—and yours alone.I would like to share one more experience. (Making it 4!) I hope it is not too personal. It's just that my heart feels almost night unto bursting at how special these tender mercy moments were for me.
On my way home from work, I could tell I was getting a migraine. (They are very uncommon for me.) I could feel my headache growing, and I felt nauseated, and I felt like I was going to be very sick. But oh, how I wanted to go to the fireside to feel spiritually uplifted, and to have that time with my son and daughter. I prayed that Heavenly Father would remove my headache.
When I go home I quickly ate 2 cookies on the stove, and took 4 ibuprofin. I hurried down the hall to my bedroom to grab something, and as I did so a beautiful song played into my memory (by Janice Kapp Perry).. "Thanks for the music, that's in me..." And I smiled and offered a silent prayer of sincere gratitude for my blessing of songs in the night (and day!).
Psalms 42:8
Yet the Lord will command his loving kindness in the daytime, and in the night his song shall be with me, and my prayer unto the God of my life.No sooner had that melody played into my thoughts, than a new one began to play.... "My kindness
shall not depart from thee..."
My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee
Text and Music by Rob Gardner
For a little while
Have I forsaken thee;
But with great mercies will I gather thee.
In a little wrath I hid my face from thee
For a moment.
But with everlasting kindness will I gather thee,
And with mercy will I take thee ‘neath my wings,
For the mountains shall depart,
And the hills shall be removed,
And the valleys shall be lost beneath the sea,
But know, my child,
My kindness shall not depart from thee!
Though thine afflictions seem
At times too great to bear,
I know thine every thought and every care.
And though the very jaws
Of hell gape after thee I am with thee.
And with everlasting mercy will I succor thee,
And with healing will I take thee ‘neath my wings.
Though the mountains shall depart,
And the hills shall be removed,
And the valleys shall be lost beneath the sea,
Know, my child,
My kindness shall not depart from thee!
How long can rolling waters
Remain impure?
What pow'r shall stay the hand of God?
The Son of Man hath descended below all things.
Art thou greater than He?
So hold on thy way,
For I shall be with thee.
And mine angels shall encircle thee.
Doubt not what thou knowest,
Fear not man, for he
Cannot hurt thee.
And with everlasting kindness will I succor thee,
And with mercy will I take thee ‘neath my wings.
For the mountains shall depart,
And the hills shall be removed,
And the valleys shall be lost beneath the sea,
But know, my child,
My kindness shall not depart from thee!
My heart felt truly full and thankful. I realized when I arrived at the devotional that somewhere in the last 10 minutes my symptoms of ALL sickness had gone from me. I also knew that there had not been time for the ibuprofin to take any affect. Again my heart felt grateful. Heavenly Father is truly kind to me.
====
It is unlikely that you will have profound, un-explainable experiences, like a choir of angels! Though such things cannot be ruled out! Such experience generally come when you are seeking to know God's will for you, and then keeping your heart and mind open to learning.those things. They will rarely come without desire and effort on your part--though God has been know to work mighty miracles among even non-believers!
I read a great speech today by Janet B. Bradford. Aug 2, 2011
speeches.byu.edu/?act=
These words stuck out at me:
I promise you, every effort is worth feeling and knowing how much Heavenly Father loves you! Have faith. Have hope. You are loved. You are beautiful. You are strong, capable, and courageous!
Keep trying!
Christine
P.S. I'm no more special than any one of you, and I hope I don't appear to be saying anything of the sort. What I am saying, is that I've learned to turn down the noises and distractions of the world (i.e. television, movies, music, and yelling!!), and I allow myself the opportunities to listen to the very quiet melodies of heaven. Any of you who know me well, will also know that I never was a great listener!! In fact, I'm truly ADD! But, I am learning to listen, and in listening I am blessed.
You will be also. :)
====
Semi-tangent: Listening to the speaker that night was an amazing experience, which I would not have wanted to miss. It was a young Mom, who had been paralyzed when she accidentally jumped off a cliff. She shared amazing experiences of seeing God's love and hand in her life. I particularly liked when she shared the night she went running at 2 am (obviously before she was paralyzed during college).
She was out running, because of the anguish of her soul. She ran through the streets of her community, but ended running herself to the doors of her LDS (Mormon) church building. She sat on the steps and sobbed. As she did so, into her ears she heard a choir singing "I Know that my Redeemer Lives" and she thought, "Wow! That is one tough choir director, holding a 2 am practice!
She knew it was not an ordinary choir. She looked through the door to try and see the choir, but she could see no lights on in the building! She was very aware that this was a heavenly, angelic choir. And they were there to lift, cheer, and bless her soul. Heavenly Father was letting her know that He is aware of her individually. As He is of each one of us!There are many ways you can hear the voice of God speaking to you. It will come through the voice of friends, and loved ones. It may come through song. It may be a line from a movie, book, or poem that plays into your thoughts. It may be a long forgotten memory. It may just be a feeling of courage, or a special peace "which passeth all understanding." Or, it may be a an act of kindness, or a simple hug., or a simple hug.
Philippians 4:7
And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
It is unlikely that you will have profound, un-explainable experiences, like a choir of angels! Though such things cannot be ruled out! Such experience generally come when you are seeking to know God's will for you, and then keeping your heart and mind open to learning.those things. They will rarely come without desire and effort on your part--though God has been know to work mighty miracles among even non-believers!
I read a great speech today by Janet B. Bradford. Aug 2, 2011
speeches.byu.edu/?act=
These words stuck out at me:
My young brothers and sisters, strive to be someone the Lord can trust. Always be listening for that still small voice. Have you received “a wireless message from heaven” today? President Dieter F. Uchtdorf gave this advice in the April 2011 general conference:
Often [the Lord] speaks to us in ways that we can hear only with our heart. To better hear His voice, it would be wise to turn down the volume control of the worldly noise in our lives. If we ignore or block out the promptings of the Spirit for whatever reason, they become less noticeable until we cannot hear them at all. Let us learn to hearken to the promptings of the Spirit and then be eager to heed them. [“Waiting on the Road to Damascus,” Ensign,May 2011, 70–75]
I promise you, every effort is worth feeling and knowing how much Heavenly Father loves you! Have faith. Have hope. You are loved. You are beautiful. You are strong, capable, and courageous!
Keep trying!
Christine
P.S. I'm no more special than any one of you, and I hope I don't appear to be saying anything of the sort. What I am saying, is that I've learned to turn down the noises and distractions of the world (i.e. television, movies, music, and yelling!!), and I allow myself the opportunities to listen to the very quiet melodies of heaven. Any of you who know me well, will also know that I never was a great listener!! In fact, I'm truly ADD! But, I am learning to listen, and in listening I am blessed.
You will be also. :)
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