Weeding My Grass

My 4 yr old got my camera for me and too this photo.
He's helpful and talented! :)

Today, when I took out the trash I noticed how my lawn hasn't been trimmed.  I'd like to tell you it's been a month or two, but I think it's been years.  Oh, the embarrassment to speak such truth!  But, it's true!

This morning the weather was sunny, but cool.  Just like I like it!  I had my morning energy, so I
decided I'd tackle the whole strip of lawn nearest to the road.  It was so rewarding to reach down and twist up nasty tangled weeds from the grass.  I just knew this was going to make our yard look so much better. 

My 4 yr old helper M is amazing!

My 4 year old, M, was right along side me.  (He works hard
and lasts a long time when we work. He's been know to help me for hours.  His own choice!  He loves to scrub, sweep, and clean off the chair and cupboards.  It truly astounds me!)  Today he was sweeping the weeds into a pile and then putting it in the trash can.  I felt so thankful for this little boy of mine.  He really does help me.

Soon my joy turned to embarrassment. What had I done?!! While it's true that I'd conquered the weeds in the grass, I also was left with mostly dirt.  That's right people, our grass isn't really grass anymore.  It's mostly weeds of all sizes, shapes and colors.  In the process of trying to improve my yard, I'd actually made it look uglier that the previous unkempt grass look.  Years of ignoring the small and controllable weeds had turned into massive overgrowth.  And the weeds have taken control, because we'd allowed them too.

It's kind of like that in life, isn't it?  We realize there are things about ourselves, our surroundings, or our circumstances, and yet we do little, or nothing, to take care of matters.  We close our eyes, or turn our head away.  We either pretend we don't see.  Or, we tell ourselves, we'll get to it later.

That's how I/We spent most of my/our life.  "Living by default" as my Mom used to reprimand my husband and I.  We let our bills go.  We let our home go.  We let our time go.  And to where?  Pretty much nowhere!  We were a mess.  Literally.   What happens when you let everything around go by default? I'll tell you!  The winds of happenstance blow you in circles.  And sometimes those winds become full fledged tornado's, or worse!

The only thing that we had going for us is that by nurture and nature, we were two good people.  We were faithful to the basic things of our religion. We tried to be honest.  We tried to go to church each week.  We tried to always pay a full tithe.  We tried to read our scriptures.  We tried to pray.  We tried to do the things good people do.

Unfortunately, most of those behaviors were just try.  Not DO!  We almost always made it to weekly church-- but were glad to have an excuse of having a cold virus to keep us home, or the baby did not seem to be feeling well. We listened to our semi-annual general conference, but we did not worry if we fell asleep through it.   We read our scriptures, unless we were too tired. We'd offer up our bedtime prayers under the warmth of our covers, and more often than not fell asleep, or gave said poorly thought out words to God.  We were pretty good about tithing, but usually months behind.  In general, we just made a lot of excuses for ourselves.  We didn't feel that we had what other people did, so we just didn't try as hard.  

It's embarrassing to say, but we had a "woe is me" mentality.  We thought only of ourselves and what was in our best comfort and convenience.  We just kind of hoped things would fall into our laps, but they rarely did.

Family fun at Chick Filet Cow Appreciation Day 2014! :)

Here's the strange part of it all.  God never gave up on us.  We did still receive many blessings.
Things that of ourselves we had not earned, but that he saw fit to bless us with.  Among those things were children.  In my struggle with infertility, it took  us 3 years to have our first child, but even then he further blessed me with 4 more children!  He took us from living in poverty conditions, to owning our own home.  He took us from only being able to take the city bus if we needed to get somewhere, to owning our own vehicles.  His blessings were still very apparent, despite the chaos in our lives and minds!

Stepping away from the "we," I'd like to talk just about me now.  Years ago, I lived with a secret.  I tried to hide it from people.  I tried to pretend I was in control.  But here it is.  I WAS a hoarder.  I had always been called a "pack rat" by my family, since I was a young girl, but until I saw an episode of the TV show Hoarders a few years ago, I didn't know I was one!  It was strangely consoling to know I wasn't alone, but it was overwhelming, because I knew I could never have a crew of people come and clean my house, because then people would know my secret.  The secret I tried hard to hide.

Gratefully, I had not had the chance to develop into some of the most extreme cases of being a hoarder, but trust me, I had a major problem.  I wouldn't let people into my home. I couldn't find things I needed.  I couldn't keep up with the bills, because I didn't know where the mail was. I couldn't let the children have friends in, unless I hid the mess in some out of the way room.  The laundry was out of control, and the mess seemed endless.  I lived in fear that my children would be taken away from me.  It was awful.  It was terrifying.  And worst of all, I never had hope that it could change.

Things have changed since then.  I am a new woman.  I am NOT a hoarder anymore. I have cleaned up my life, my surrounding, my circumstances. I didn't needed Hoarders to come and save me.  I didn't need to be rescued by Oprah (as once I desired) to fulfill my wish of a clean, orderly home.





 I needed something more.  I needed a hurricane to strike the lonely island of my soul, and teach me what I needed to understand.

You might even say, on this unforgettably horrific day in history, that I needed a 9-11 to symbolically strike my tower of laziness, pride!  Indeed, it was wrong terribly wrong that September 11, 2001 ever happened.  But just like the weeds in my grass, natural, careless, or intentional disaster's, in all their ugly forms have a way of stepping into our lives and our circumstances (and in small or large way) and cause devastation and destruction in it's path. And, like September 11th, I was forced to re-build a broken or weakened structure--of personal and spiritual self.

I don't have time tonight to tell you of that initial personal disaster, or the experience and the ramifications of it, but I plan to come back over the next few days and share how the ball of change began to roll in my life.  I truly believe that some of the hardest challenges and trials we face in our lives can strengthen us, refine us, and help us to rise a little taller. I hope you will return to learn more.

For now, I shall leave you with a scripture...

Alma 37:36-37,

 36 Yea, and ^acry unto God for all thy support; yea, let all thy^bdoings be unto the Lord, and whithersoever thou goest let it be in the Lord; yea, let all thy ^cthoughts be directed unto the Lord; yea, let the affections of thy heart be placed upon the Lord forever.

 37 ^aCounsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for ^bgood; yea, when thou liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep; and when thou risest in the ^cmorning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day.

I hope wherever you are in life, that you will know that there is always hope for change.  Jesus Christ made it all possible--for everyone  For you. For me.  You just need to be willing to make some effort, and you will find that things aren't as despairing as perhaps you see them now.  I have confidence that if I can clean my life of overgrown weeds, and useless belonging-- that YOU CAN clear away the weeds in your life, that keep you from reaching your full potential.  

Next spring I hope the grass grows back!

My remaining clumps of grass look lonely and embarrassing temporarily, but I am hopeful that now that they are not crowded out with the stifling overgrowth of weeds, that what remains will have a chance to multiply and replenish into a beautiful spot of earth!  I look forward to the awakening of next Spring, when the cold snow melts away, and I discover that my painful efforts were worth the time.

Hands caked with dirt will yield us fruit from our labors!
(A Tomato from our garden. :)

Join me on my journey for change and betterment.  You will never regret it.  Even if the soul-stretching efforts of change ache you to the core, you will come out a happier person for it!

Regards, Christine