My Heart is Brave Enough for Love

This past year, someone I once completely trusted tried to break me and ruin my life because of their own faint-heartedness and fear to stand up for what they know is right-- and what they know is the truth about me. They managed to successfully rock the boat for me (and really, I think to try and drown me!) and I've been busy trying to pick up the pieces while awkwardly trying to be dignified, brave, forgiving, and optimistic, but, I want to give a little shout out on this day of my beloved mother's death and birthday to tell You (and anyone else out to destroy me) that you may successfully knock me down and bruise me, but I will never permanently stay down with the help of God and angels to help lift and bless me every day. 

Despite the burden of sorrow inflicted on me by your self-centeredness and ruse, I have every reason to smile because my life and soul are filled with gratitude, peace, and joy for the beautiful and abundant blessings of God. 

How thankful I feel for  His divine help--- for when hate came knocking I met it with love, and I will keep on loving with the help of God's grace. I only feel very sad and very sorry for you. May God bless you, my nervous friend; I am praying for you to learn to be happy in your quest for love and home! 

I did art on 5 August 2019 in my sister's classroom.

I am praying you will see yourself as the beloved son of God that you are and that you will stop feeling scared that all the heartache in your life is caused by you. Yes, you've made some bad choices, but some things that have happened to you, or impacted your mental well being, are due to the selfishness and cruelty of others' own choices and accountability. You can only change you, but please, please walk away from people who hurt, injure, or abuse you. Please choose the courage to start a new life. #freefromaddictions You deserve so much more than you have gotten. You can have a fresh start on life with the help of Jesus Christ and his all-encompassing atonement! #ChristHeals #ChristRedeems #ChristStrengthens #thereisnosorrowthatHecannotheal #YouAreWorthyofLove #BelieveMe

Rest assured that while I may not trust you (that is until you give me a reason to believe you really are sorry, want to tell the truth to key people, and want to start a new and improved journey), I will never stop believing in your potential to rise up to the greatness within you! I love you too much to ever give up on you! #FriendsAreFriendsForever #iamnotgoinganywhere #justtakingSafetyPrecautions #ifYoueverNeedMeLetmeKnow #iWillbethere

Happy Birthday, Mom! Thank you for your examples of sacrifice and stalwart dedication to God. I'm thankful I am smiling again! :) :) :) #GodisGreat #JesusChristmakesitallPossible #itisNEVER2late2change #OnlyLovewillWinintheEnd #iLoveYou

These are just a few of the many birthday wishes I've given people. I LOVE Birthdays! Especially mine! :D 

A song in memory of my angel Mama: (Somewhere over the rainbow)

I leave you with a quote of a wonderful speaker from the church I go to every Sunday (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints:) 

"Strive to emulate the love of Christ and have compassion for others—even to those who are unkind to you, who mock you and wish to cause you harm. Love them and treat them as fellow children of Heavenly Father."

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2019/04/14uchtdorf?lang=eng    

With Love, Christine

#ohhowiMissYou 

"Do not despair your star is still there"

4 July 2019. Last night, I went to bed feeling a great deal of turmoil in my heart. I made the mistake of checking out the profile of a very articulate man that I stumbled across in a group post. This man writes well and on the surface he made well-worded points on a controversial point of church doctrine, however despite the strength of his words, I was turned off by his sharp, arrogant style of writing (not to mention that I fervently disagreed with him!) I went to study his profile because I was curious to understand this man a little better. I quickly got a better view of him a man who proclaims himself as mocking and cynical. He is indeed that. And his news feed of videos and articles about religion reflected his view of the world.

In reading the words of the sardonic man, I quickly discovered that there was nothing positive or uplifting in his words. He spread depressing news, and I soon felt awash in the grime of the world upon my usually bright and joyful spirit. Part of that has to do with some of what he shared hitting a little too close to home. In the process, my thoughts clung tearfully to the pain I feel for a friend who wades deeply into a sea sin. As I fell to sleep, I prayed for my friend, but I felt a sense of hopelessness collapse on me by the combination of that man's negative words on his Facebook posts and the grief over my friend.


You can't imagine how grateful I felt when in the middle of the night a short line of a song played into my sleeping thoughts: "Do not despair, your star is still there." (This is the song I heard, except I heard the part starting at 2 minutes and 07 seconds)

Hearing this song was another reminder to me that God is completely and acutely aware of our individual needs, and this night my need did not go unnoticed. When I went to bed the seas of sin seemed a little too deep for me to want to swim, and I surely struggled to believe that my friend and others like him can survive, but God wanted me to remember what I've known all along, and that is that Through Jesus Christ the is ALWAYS HOPE. He was, after all, the man who calmed the stormy sea and walked upon water. He turned water into wine. He healed the blindman and made the lame to walk. He cast devils out of men and women. Our Lord Jesus Christ has promised us this Miracle of forgiveness: "Come now, and let us ^areason together, saith the Lord: though your ^bsins be as scarlet, they shall be as ^cwhite as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool" (Isaiah 1:18).


I have seen the power of God in my life to help me repent of my sins and to turn over a new leaf and become a new woman. And I know the Lord can do the same for you-- IF YOU WANT IT BADLY ENOUGH! It's going to take effort on your part and a promise to God that you are willing to pay the necessary cost. A cost for less than what the Savior paid for you and me in the Garden of Gethsemane.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the movie "The Other Side of Heaven 2: the Fire of Faith," (a true story) that my little boy and I went and saw last week. (Every day I did something fun with him because my husband went to scout camp all week with my 2nd oldest son, and my daughters went and had an amazing time in Yellowstone for a church Girl's Camp.) In the movie, we saw this good man struggle with the painful and terrifying challenges and uncertainties of life. He repeatedly looked death in the eye and he struggled to have hope when it seemed all was hopeless. 

There was a scene in the movie where I had "an a-ha moment." Here I was watching about the life of John (Kolipoki) Groberg and I knew that things had worked out for him eventually. I knew that the hand of God would smile on him. I was struck with how in the moment of storm John doubted what he already knew-- and that is that God had made him some promises. Promise that through Jesus Christ all would be made right in the end. Promises that if he lived faithfully God would give John all he needed. But John struggled to believe that when faced with the physical, mental, and emotional battles of life. 

As I sat staring up into this screen I remembered several promises God has made me and continues to make me. And yet, like John, I look at the despair of the present storm that threatens to drown me and I struggle to see the rainbow of promise on the horizon of hope in Christ's love. But just as I knew John's story would have a happy ending, so to do I know that a happy ending waits for me beyond the moaning squalls of life.

The only way I can describe what I felt was something akin to the words of a devotional that has stuck to my memory: for many years: 

"When we look to God, we yield to Him everything – our fears, our doubts, and our own stern preferences, with the meek entreaty, “Thy will, not mine be done.”


"And brothers and sisters, it really should be a cheerful yielding of the heart. Our submission should not be a grumpy “giving up” to the universal superpower who is going to win the arm wrestle anyway. But rather a joyful yielding because we know that what God wants is truly the best thing that could ever happen to us. Therefore, when grappling with life’s heavy-weight trials, don’t yell “uncle!”— just pray, “Father!”

"This comes easily, even naturally, when the steps ahead are well lit and clearly marked. But, for faith to grow, some things must, for now, remain unseen. What then, do you do when the next step of the trial as well as the duration and outcome of the trial are hidden? You obey God, doubt not, fear not, only believe.

"The scriptures are filled with experiences wherein prophets and disciples struggled to develop first-person faith in God in the face of stifling unknowns. How much easier it would have been had they known, while in the furnace, how things would eventually turn out.


"For example, look with me down the long corridor of time. We see Father Abraham21 preparing, as God had commanded, to sacrifice his only begotten son, Isaac – hot tears matching the heat of the fiery trial. Then, as he raises the sacrificial dagger, you and I call to him down through the millennia, “Abraham, O Abraham, don’t worry. It’s all going to be just fine! See, I have the book! I know how this story ends! Abraham, hang in there, don’t give up!” But Abraham, in the thick of developing first-person faith cannot, must not, hear us. It must be just Abraham and God. Then, after the fiery trial of his faith, the miracle occurs, we sigh with relief, and Abraham becomes not only the father of millions, but the father of the faithful as well.


"And what about those 2000 Lamanite youth under Helaman’s command –youth near the age of many of you? The most powerful army of the Lamanites pursues them for a couple of days then silence. And then the terrible questions must be answered, questions like: “Do we turn back to help Antipus? And, is it an ambush? And, could you show me again how to hold a cimeter?” Back they go, this little band that never before has fought an enemy. And we call down the corridor of time, “Hello! You are going to win and not one of you will be killed! Here, read Alma chapters 56 through 58. We love you! Thanks for your examples. Remember, your team wins!” But, again, they cannot, must not, hear us. It must be each youth and his God. Only after the trial of their first-person faith was it written, “And now, their preservation was astonishing to our whole army, yea, that they should be spared while there was a thousand of our brethren who were slain. And we do justly ascribe it to the miraculous power of God, because of their exceeding faith in that which they had been taught to believe.”  (See FREE online Book of Mormon to read those true stories of adventure: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/bofm/title-page?lang=eng )

"...And when life’s trials become particularly challenging, then listen. Can you hear you—talking to you? From a point years in the future, you call back down the corridor of time to you here in [name of the month and year you are reading this]. “Hey me, that’s right you. Pretty tough right now is it? O, don’t give up. Hang in there. Trust the Lord, get some sleep and wake up happy. It will all work out. See! I’ve got the book! I know what happens next. My past is still your future and I know everything will be just fine. Believe you…me!”

Words by Ronald J. Hammond (from Brigham Young University- Idaho devotional: "First-person Faith in God")

Read at: http://www2.byui.edu/Presentations/Transcripts/Devotionals/2007_10_02_Hammond.htm 

Or Watch the video of his message at: https://video.byui.edu/media/Ronald+J.+Hammond+%22First-person+Faith+in+God%22/0_3s7ucr1c

Going back full circle to those words in the night: "Do not despair, your star is still there."

I KNOW that through Jesus Christ all despair is swallowed up in His HOPE.

I know that there is no trial, tragedy, sin, or setback that cannot be overcome with the Savior's help.

I know that when we reach out our hands and touch the hem of his garment that we too can be healed if we do it with faith on His name.

I know because I was that woman who a little more than seven years ago decided it was time to reach out for His help because no one and nothing in this world could heal me and bring my heart and mind comfort-- except the power of God.

Through Him I found healing of my life of clinical depression and healing of many other things. Through Him I started to discover what real love looks and acts like. Through Him my sorrow has been turned to joy. Oh, how I love the Lord. How grateful I am for His power to heal me.

This painting we did is so large that I was unable to 

take a full photo of it, even on a 6 foot ladder.

Wherever You are today-- whatever your sin (and we all have them)-- be it a sharp and biting tongue, yelling at your kids, holding grudges, judging others, pride, pornography, adultery, gambling, drinking, drugs.... or any other wide range of sins-- I KNOW that IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO REPENT. You can REPENT, NO Matter what you've done or are doing. Through the power of Jesus Christ's atonement you can be forgiven and become clean and white and pure of heart and mind through his redeeming blood.

I feel so happy looking at this and in considering 

the promises of God for my future! :)

A Beautiful Future of HOPE and PROMISES of Joy can be yours if you are willing to sacrifice all you are to the cause of the Savior's perfect love. No matter how broken you may feel, only HE can make you whole.

Hold on to Hope.
Hold on to Promises.

Here we are using cheap Walmart brooms

 to apply tinted white primer. Not as easy as it looks. 

Just this part took hours!

Hold on to HIS Perfect LOVE.... and come HOME with His help.

Love, Christine

P.S.  A few weeks ago my children and I painted an enormous mural for a stake youth camp for the kids to act out Book of Mormon skits (Photos throughout this post:). Here's the one my children and I painted to represent Alma 14 (you've got to imagine that the "city" spoken of is to the left of the park and fire pit which I illustrated!:))

Usually I rolled around painting on an old computer chair,

but here I sit on a detergent box.

In painting this 12x15 foot drop cloth,  I incorporated the symbolism spoken of here in this post when I wrote: "see the rainbow of promise on the horizon of hope in Christ's love." So, the "sun" represents the "son" of God-- Jesus Christ and His bright and perfect love. The rainbow represents the promises of God that shine in our lives.

Usually I rolled around painting on an old computer chair,

but here I sit on a detergent box.

Even in the midst of heartache and suffering we can take comfort from Genesis 9:13,17: "I do set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be for a token of a covenant between me and the earth... And God said unto Noah, This is the a token of the covenant, which I have established between me and all flesh that is upon the earth." As we keep our covenants with God, we will be eternally blessed! Don't you think it's time to look to the comfort, joy, and peace of the Lord, instead of be swallowed up in sin and heartache? 

Here I am red-faced with a flower my 12-year old boy slid behind my ear and insisted I wear it. So sweet of him! 

I had to take occasional breaks because it was really hard work for me. This is me taking a break to start another talk from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to listen to as we work. I live in a lovely place, don't I?!
Here's a link to listen to amazing talks for our semi-annual General Conference:
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/general-conference/conferences?lang=eng

I also really love the beauty of where I live! I always teach my children that the most glorious creation God ever made was us-- His children, but looking at the greenery and flowers around me, I pale in comparison! I'm thankful that beauty is in the eye of the beholder because I'm sure my children love me more than the trees and flowers! I'm thankful for that! :)Iiii I

I'm holding onto hope for a beautiful future of promises! Christ=Love
#iAmBraveEnough4Love #AreYOU?!

Message of Love for a friend (You!)

It's the 2nd of July, 2019. This message is for a friend. You know who you are! ;)

My Dear Friend,

As of today it's been 91 days since the fateful night of April 2, 2019. I pray for you every day... pretty much several times an hour because of the turmoil and despair you must be going through and, well, because I miss you so much! Your absence is felt with each tick of the clock.

Every month on the second, I offer extra hard prayers for you because I have an idea of what you are going through with your unspoken (only to God) feelings. I also spend time on the 2nd of the month to gauge where I am emotionally and spiritually, and I wonder if either of us will forget the cementing truth that binds us as friends.

 I cry a lot less over the ordeal and the whole gamut of emotions (and because of the help of God_ I'm finding that I feel positively happy even in the exile of my new "Zion" "home" (except for the portion of anguish and grief hidden in my heart-- which only God fully understands. Though you have a better idea than most of the whys!)  I'm certain my heart shall never change as it pertains to you. Though my heart must remain dormant for now. I hope you understand the silence, but, in the words of Robert Frost:

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep,   

But I have promises to keep,   

And miles to go before I sleep..." 

But sometimes, God helps me catch a glimpse of your sad face in passing a parking lot, or as you drive past me. At these times, I clutch my heart and pray for my courage and yours.

I feel so sorry for a few specific parts of what I said in the past. But, especially oh so very sorry for my naivete and foolishness of expression! BUT.... while I would in retrospect have changed some things I've expressed and shown much more wisdom-- 98% of the rest would remain unchanged.

Why must I be troubled by the 2%.? Well, you can guess. But for that 2% of poorly controlled expression, I'm so miserably sorry. I'm an imperfect person, and I hope you won't or haven't held my weaknesses against me-- just as I don't hold  yours against you.

Today, I stopped to carefully consider my words and the truth is that my message of love, forgiveness, and compassion remains the same... even for all that has happened.

I reiterate what I said so many times before: "Please, let His Love guide you Home." "I Believe in You." "You are worthy of being loved." 

I may return to share some new sentiments another day, but for now I want you to know that even in the silence of your birthday, or missed holidays, or songs that go unshared... you will Not be forgotten! I will always remember the beauty of you, my beloved friend. I will continue to pray that the light of God's love will light your mind and heart to a remembrance of who you are and the beautiful life He intends for you, if you'll only reach out and grasp it. 

Right now I think of the song words:

"There is hope, for every soul that's lost.

There is a way back home, 

no matter where you roam. 

Let His love heal you 

and lead you there. 

There's a place for every heart in pain,

a place where there's not hurt, 

and there's no shame

let His love heal you 

and lead you There."

 - Michael McLean" (From the Song "From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours")

My cherished friend, in my arms and heart you will only ever find safety and love. That love is merely a small portion of the Savior's perfect Love! Seek Him, seek Home and Remember: You Are LOVED!

Let COURAGE guide you toward LOVE and LIGHT and TRUTH.

John 15:13

Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.

PLEASE, bravely lay down Your life for HIS LOVE! Sacrifice of self is worth every loss! The cost we must pay is worth eternal joy!

WAIT AND SEE (BRANDON HEATH)

I love you, Christine

Wait and See! 

Brandon Heath

I was born in Tennessee
Late July humidity
Doctor's said I was lucky to be alive
I've been trouble since the day that I got here
Trouble to the day that I disappear
That'll be the day that I finally get it right

There is hope for me yet

Because God won't forget

All the plans 

He's made for me

I'll have to wait and see
He's not finished with me yet
He's not finished with me yet

I never really was that good in school
I talked too much, I broke the rules
Teachers thought I was a hopeless fool, alright

I don't know how but I made it through
Just one of those things that you gotta do
I always had a knack for telling the truth

Still wondering why I'm here
Still wrestling with my fear
But oh, He's up to something
And the farther on I go
I've seen enough to know that I'm not here for nothing
He's up to something

So now's my time to be a man
Follow my heart as far as I can
No telling where I'm ending up tonight
I never slow down or so it seems
But singing my heart it's one of my dreams
All I gotta do is hold on tight

He's not finished with me yet
He's not finished with me yet

Day 12: Embarking on a new journey

Sunday. 14 April 2019.

Last night I stopped in at Walmart after having spent time in a temple (for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. My family had informed me that we were out of milk, lunch meat and a few other grocery items. I always try to make sure we have food to get us through the Sabbath because we don't shop on Sunday's in case of illness and the need for medicine or extreme illness)

I did my shopping and then went to check out. I was pleased that there were several empty lines. I approached one checker who was sitting and leaning on her hands and staring off into space. I told her that I went through her by saying jokingly: "I didn't want you to be bored." She said that she wasn't bored she was very tired and then added that her life was falling apart and she felt miserable.

As I proceeded to slide my card to pay I said that we could probably swap stories of our misery. I then told her the tip of the iceberg of what's happened to me. She's like "Why? How come that's happening?" I said I couldn't go into it. But she then shared her misery, "Well, my husband was just put in jail a few days ago?" While my anguish is deep and some aspects of what I've gone through are unfairly humiliating, her story is obviously more tragic.

As the line was still empty I stayed and visited with her a few minutes. She just kept saying, "I don't know why he did something so stupid." I asked her "Was he into pornography?" She said that in fact after he was put into prison she looked on his tablet and discovered that he has been. As I figured!

You see, I've done a lot of research the last few months and have discovered that pornography only leaves devastation in it's path. Pornography very rarely stays "just pornography" it leads to much worse deviances of social behavior which can lead into vile, degrading, deplorable human behavior (sex trafficking, prostitution, sex addiction, affairs, child pornography, etc..). I was not surprised to learn that her husband had done stupid things. Pornography eats a persons brain up by causing dopamine overload.

Oh, I'm not saying the brain can't be rewired. It can! People can fix their lives and free themselves from the entanglement of porn, but it takes a LOT of COURAGE to get help and then it takes a lot of effort and diligence. People involved with porn must seek help. Being able to account for your actions is part of the healing and learning to come out of the dark, secret closets of sin. It takes 12-step programs, feedtherightwolf.com, ADDO, or any number of programs and sponsors to help provide support. I will list some resources below in the P.S.

I told her about how sorry I feel that she is going through "Betrayal Trauma" (research this to understand more) and I said I'd pray for her. I asked if I could give her a hug, and with her approval we shared a  hug her before I left.

My time spent on speaking supportively and encouragingly and giving her a hug were very small acts in terms of the size, but I hope that I was a drop in the bucket of friendship that helps support this grieving wife on the rocky journey that lay ahead of her. (She plans to stay with him and help him work through it. He has expressed a desire to get help.)

As I left Walmart that evening, I said a quiet prayer of gratitude to Heavenly Father for placing someone in my path who was willing to receive my friendship and love. In the process of reaching outward I was able to find some solace for my own sorrow. It helps put my experience into proportion.

Although today was a very painful day to me as I (and my family) embarked on a new adventure-- one that stems out of someone else's dishonesty about me-- I took comfort that it could be worse. I took comfort knowing that my testimony of Jesus Christ doesn't waver just because cold cruel winds of fate have blown me into a new social circle. I am blessed to have my husband and children by my side. Whenever I was inclined to feel miserable I just thought of how no one I love is in jail-- and I would pray for that sweet young woman.

Whatever hard thing lay before you, I promise that with the help of Christ you can do it. I felt his strength today as he calmed my violent shaking, nausea (from fears) and my bitter tears amidst a new and foreign experience. I reminded myself that the Savior has suffered all things for each one of us and "with his stripes we are healed."

Remember to keep your chin up and your eyes on Jesus Christ!

Christine

A few Addiction recovery programs

LDS 12-Step Program (This program is FREE): https://addictionrecovery.lds.org/steps?lang=eng

http://www.feedtherightwolf.org/

https://www.addorecovery.com/about-us

Sex-aholics anonymous: https://www.sa.org/


I also recommend these websites to understand pornography and other related problems:

https://fightthenewdrug.org/

https://endsexualexploitation.org/

https://rowboatandmarbles.org/