Day 3 of 365 days of solace

I went to bed by 9 pm last night.  As a night owl, that bedtime is virtually never been said of me.  But I have determined that if I can sleep, I can temporarily not have to feel the anguish of my spirit.  I don't sleep perfectly, but I don't sleep horribly either.  And when I'm asleep,  I don't notice this persistent stomach ache, and weakness, and fatigue.  My asthmatic cough, which has been lingering longer than normal, is exacerbated by the immense stress I am feeling- but when I'm asleep, that's not a problem either!

Trouble is, as the Mom of the house, everyone depends upon me.  I am determined to provide goodness and love, even though I am suffering within me!

This morning, I opened my emails. My heart dropped to received a calendar notification of a very special event I had planned for the last 2 months.  With a change of things in my life, that event must fall through.  I felt the surge of pain and fear flood my body, and I considered heartbreaking turn of events.  I deleted the email notification, and prayed that Heavenly Father would grant me to power to move forward, despite these new obstacles of life.  Into my thoughts, played this sentence:

Don't be afraid and don't delay 
Nothing can break us
No one can make us
Give our rights away
Arise and seize the dayWrongs will be righted
If we're united 
Let us seize the day


When I heard this, I understood the deeply imbedded meaning of not being afraid, because nothing can break me-- and in being united with God, wrongs will be righted!

I closed the laptop, and read my little boy several children's books, went up and made pancakes with him, and then we cleaned up in the kitchen together.  As we stood at a sink of soapy bubble water, he happily talked to me about things like, "Mom, we should grow our own raspberries." and "we should also plant pumpkins." I agreed, those were great ideas.  They also had a lot to do with our day. I'd made raspberry  

pancakes, and we'd also read a book in Spanish, about a boy who grew a pumpkin seed.  (It shows the impressions our values and behaviors have in the heart and minds of our children.)

After that he showered, and I blew dry his soft, straight hair.  Insisting it had a wave, I carved it carefully with hairspray, and a comb.  He's very particular about his hair.  He's quite a little artist, like me!  It's all in the details, right?! :)

little M reading to me-- notice the story stones

After that, I sat and read through a story from school, which his reading teacher asked him to read through 10 times!  As I collect rocks, he would line them up to count his efforts.  (His own clever idea!)  I considered how in life, we too are placing figurative stones, which in the end will help us return to our loving God (Heavenly Father).  

Despite my inner turmoil, I feel so blessed for my abundance and joys of life. It was a pleasant time with my son, and I thanked Heavenly Father that all my children and husband are part of my life.  Feeling so sick with stress, is not a comfortable feelings, but I know in time the depth of my pain will subside. I will grow stronger out of this... just like the little pumpkin seed in my story.  I know that my heart desires things of God, and he will nurture me, and help me to grow to my full potential...but only in His due time.  

Part of my religious studies today, brought me across a talk. In truth, I heard the word, "beatitude" as I slept. I research it, and found this insightful talk.  I recommend it all, but here is an excerpt:

Blessed Are They That Mourn: For They Shall Be Comforted

I imagine that of all the Beatitudes, this would appear at first glance to be the most unusual and contradictory. At the least it is a very strong paradox. How can it be a blessing to be in mourning?  

To mourn is to show grief or pain at the death of a loved one. To mourn is much more profound than to just be sad. It is a deep, agonizing, penetrating, intense pain that cannot be hid from the world, nor from God, nor can it be eased, nor pacified, except with comfort and consolation from God through the Holy Ghost. Why would the Savior then say it is a blessing to mourn? 

It may be that pain and suffering from the death of loved ones is really an essential and important part of our mortal experience, just like our own death is inevitable some day.  

There seem to come a maturity and a deeper dimension and a more profound understanding when we are left behind. 

 The reality of death obliges us to face the question of the reality of the spirit world and the hope of the resurrection. It is through suffering that one discovers the difference between those things that are important and that which is unimportant in the eternal perspective.It might be that it is a blessing to become more fully aware, through the death of a loved one, that God’s ways are not our ways and that we must trust him in that fact. 

One of my favorite stories with roots in Islamic traditions illustrates that especially in death we need to look for the hidden purposes of the Lord, which, when understood, turn to comfort and blessings.It seems that Moses, being in heaven, wondered about the work of a certain angel who was departing for earth. He asked the angel if he might accompany him on his errand.  

The angel responded, “Nay, thou wouldst not be able to stand that which thou wouldst see.” Moses insisted, so the angel placed a condition. “No matter what thou wouldst see, thou must remain silent.” Moses agreed and the two came to earth. 

They left the borders of dry land and went far out over the sea, even beyond sight of land, where they found some humble fishermen in their boat fishing.  

The angel, unseen, broke the boards of the keel, the boat sank, and the fishermen drowned. Moses started to protest but the angel declared, “Thou must remain silent.” 

Next they came upon an Arab boy walking through the sands of the desert. Unseen, the angel breathed in the boy’s face; his blood froze, and he fell to the earth, dead.  

Moses started to protest but the angel silenced him, “I told thee that thou wouldst not stand what thou wouldst see. Thou must remain silent.” 

Then the two came upon a poor home where lived a widow and her two sons. Their only means of survival was the produce from their small garden, protected against the wind and sands of the desert by a tall adobe wall. 

 To Moses’ surprise the angel pushed the wall over, crushing the vines, melons, and cucumbers, which the family sorely needed. Moses could not stand it any longer. He erupted.  

The angel silenced him and said, “Thou canst go with me no longer. Thou must return. But first, lest thou misjudge Allah who has sent me, I will explain.  

The fishermen would soon have been captured by a pirate boat approaching over the horizon, and been enslaved, tortured, and killed. This way they die in the profession they loved.  

The Arab boy would soon have fought with another mother’s son, killing the latter. This way the second boy lives and this one dies blood guiltless.  

The widow’s husband, before he died, hid a fortune in the base of the adobe wall. Now the boys, rebuilding the wall, will find the fortune, invest it wisely, and prosper.

But thou didst doubt. Thou canst go with me no longer.”When we can see the Lord’s purposes fulfilled in that which gives us sorrow, the Holy Ghost can give us full consolation, and the atonement and resurrection truly become to us the cornerstone of our faith.  

In the midst of mourning one discovers deeper dimensions of love, friendship, and brotherhood. 

In the midst of mourning, one determines if his faith is a social decoration or if it is an essential ingredient upon which his whole life is based. It is in the midst of mourning that one discovers the personal closeness of his Heavenly Father and his Savior Jesus Christ and the comfort of the Holy Ghost. 

 As President McKay used to say, “Man’s extremity is God’s opportunity”  We will be blessed in mourning and be comforted as we reflect on eternal marriage, eternal families, eternal values.https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/robert-e-wells_christ-focused-beatitudes/

A little bit ago, as I sat here typing, I heard a song play into my thoughts. I knew it was my angel Mom, who passed away about 11 years ago, trying to offer me added consolation. Which she did!

"Baby Mine"

Baby mine, don't you cry.
Baby mine, dry your eyes.
Rest your head close to my heart,
Never to part, baby of mine.

Little one, when you play,
Pay no heed what they say.
Let your eyes sparkle and shine,
Never a tear, baby of mine.

If they knew all about you,
They'd end up loving you too.
All those same people who scold you,
What they'd give just for the right to hold you.

From your head down to your toes,
You're not much, goodness knows.
But, you're so precious to me,
Sweet as can be, baby of mine.

I have stepped away from this blog for a few hour. I had to take one son to cubscouts, and pick up another from his State FBLA championship...which I'm happy to say he took first at- and made $400 toward going to Nationals!  Amazing!  I took my youth to the church to plant Mother's Day flowers for a church youth activity.  And so many other things.  I am blessed.  And it is my goal to keep a more careful blog, to help me get through the turmoil of life.  If I can focus on the blessings of God in my life, and feel truly thankful, then I feel certain I can get through this difficult time of my life.

Proverbs 2:2

So that thou incline thine ear unto wisdom, and apply thine heart to understanding;

If we incline our ears to the things of God and apply out heart to understand, I know we will be blessed and protected by him!

Christine