Day 2 of 365 days of sorrow... I'm changing the title to reflect "days of solace" as of tomorrow-- for that is what I hope to find

Hello Readers, I went to write a letter to my nephew, who is currently serving a mission, for The Church of Jesus Christ of latter-day Saints.  While writing the letter, I decided it would make a perfect post for today.

I have decided to add pictures of my family and I- so you can get a glimpse into my daily life. Perhaps you'll even develop some sympathy to consider that underneath the smiles of people you meet, that there is often a world of sadness which brews under the surface. (I like to remember that, so that I am tender and gentle with others- even those who are more difficult to love-- you know, those who are kind of prickly!  )

Here's the letter:

8 March 2016

Dear Elder _____,

It was great to read your email just now on Facebook. I shouldn't have been there at Facebook, but I'm avoiding my math class homework. I'm moving into some hard things. :P

I hesitate to  write, because honestly, I feel so very sad about something. Heavenly Father reassures me that it's all part of His plan, and I trust Him, but I haven't learned to shake myself free of the emotional string of such sorrow that’s wrapped itself around my heart.  And, I don't know if that's how it should be, anyhow.  Else, it wouldn't matter what we face, if we had a quick fix of feeling happy with immediacy, there would be no stretching of the soul, as Elder Maxwell describes in this way:

“There are certain mortal moments and minutes that matter. Certain hinge points in the history of each human.
Some seconds are so decisive they shrink the soul, while others are spent, so as to stretch the soul.”
― Neal A. Maxwell

A few years ago, I desperately needed the power of the atonement to help me heal the broken pieces of my life--not from any serious transgression, but from injuries sustained in various ways.  The wounds were deep, and i was very confused, but in the process I grew to know of Heavenly Father's love for me. I learned that He has an individualized plan for me, and that plan contains incomprehensible joy. 

During that time of deep anguish, I promised God that I would never miss a day of scriptures or prayers.  I have been true to my word- rain or shine, sickness or health, i have kept my promise.  It has helped me to develop a diligence I never imagined possible, and I have been blessed in countless and untold ways.

I am thankful to say that over time, I was eased of that sorrow, and i was granted a peace that has remained with me for several years now.  But, again, I find myself in the gates of Gethsemane.  I need the Godhead in a quiet desperation, to help me see my way through some personal devastation of life, which I currently face.

When I speak of Gethsemane, I consider this poem, which I have long loved:

GETHSEMANE

In golden youth when seems the earth
A Summer-land of singing mirth,
When souls are glad and hearts are light,
And not a shadow lurks in sight,
We do not know it, but there lies
Somewhere veiled under evening skies
A garden which we all must see--
The garden of Gethsemane.

With joyous steps we go our ways,
Love lends a halo to our days;
Light sorrows sail like clouds afar,
We laugh, and say how strong we are.
We hurry on; and hurrying, go
Close to the border-land of woe,
That waits for you, and waits for me--
Forever waits Gethsemane.

Down shadowy lanes, across strange streams,
Bridged over by our broken dreams;
Behind the misty caps of years,
Beyond the great salt fount of tears,
The garden lies. Strive as you may,
You cannot miss it in your way.
All paths that have been, or shall be,
Pass somewhere through Gethsemane.

All those who journey, soon or late,
Must pass within the garden's gate;
Must kneel alone in darkness there,
And battle with some fierce despair
God pity those who cannot say,
"Not mine but thine," who only pray,
"Let this cup pass," and cannot see
The purpose in Gethsemane.

Poems of Power by Ella Wheeler Wilcox
Chicago : W. B. Conkey, 1902.


I probably shouldn't say any of this, because you will probably run various scenarios of what sinful life I am living. You probably think such devastation that brings me to Gethsemane, because I need to repent of sins.  But that would not be the accurate truth. I do need to repent, but not for serious sin. I think it’s best shared as my bishop shared with me many years ago: "Repentance encompasses more than repentance from sin. Repentance equates to progression. The truth is that repentance is about change and growth."  

I have come to really embrace that concept of repentance, and this time of sorrow is no exception.  Repentance is about becoming more than we were yesterday. Repentance is about drinking of the bitter cup, which is sometimes very undeserved, but which Heavenly Father knows is a necessary part of His plan for our lives-because of the effects of eternal significance.

I have felt a lot of divine comfort, and I am blessed as I sleep and toil through the hours of my days. I hear songs and scriptures of comfort.  As I fell to sleep last night, the song, "There can be miracles" (Prince of Egypt) played into my thoughts.

As I sat alone at the kitchen table this morning (with the children all gone to school, and little M still asleep) a line from hymn/anthem
played into my thoughts, "between our loved homes and the wars desolation. Blessed with victory and peace..."  and I again had assurance that all would be well in God's time.

As I sat to type this letter to you, a song I have learned recently, played into my thoughts, "Be not afraid, ....but just believe, and every blessing you'll receive.  If He bids you walk the sea, just walk beside Him quietly....trust in Him and do His will. Be not afraid when God commands...take the path through dessert sand and journey through the promised land...the Lord will help you find the way...in his time you'll understand, and see the beauty of His plan." (I'll try to make a video for that song, but for now this one is beautiful, and another that I've heard.)

I know that what is happening in my life will result in miraculous outcomes, and yet it is so very painful in the now.  And though I am often near tears, I find I also smile at times, knowing that the strengthening grace and power of the Savior's atonement is working divine power into my life blood, and allowing the flow of future blessings.  Truly, what gratitude fills my heart when I consider His merciful love.

I am in the Pathway.lds.org education program. I am almost through my second semester, and will finish my 3rd next semester, and then I will go to BYUI online. I have seen many blessings through this program, and Heavenly Father really wanted me here, which is strange, considering I only have 3 classes to take, and I could have just finished them for the cost of what it will be this route!  I don't mind, it has filled my day with added meaning, direction, and purpose.  Through it, I have gained insights and skills for things I've always wanted to learn, but didn't know how-- like budgeting, and goal setting!

Every step of the way, it seems that during my moments of personal difficulty, I have learned something particularly needed for that time of my life.  Today was no exception. I went to read my math teachers announcements for this weeks math lessons, and found hope and encouragement to keep trying.  She was speaking in terms of math, but it resonated to me in terms of my life!  

Professor Q. wrote:
When helping coach my new cross-country runners I always tell them to think: "All I have to do is run to the next stop sign."  Keep your eye on that goal.  Once that is reached set a new goal, "I'm going to run to that river about 2 blocks away". 

My little M,
before I suggested a morning walk.

I've been trying to do just that. But, I liked having the reminder. It caused me to reflect on times in my life, where I was out walking and feeling so tired, and I would say to myself, "Okay, I will make it to that stop sign." or "I will make it to that curb 50 feet ahead."  I could take the exhaustion, when I did it in bite sized pieces. 

Today, I decided that I would act like I am happy. I said to M, "Get ready for school, and then we will go on a walk." He was surprised! But happily got dressed to go.  We decided to visit my friend from church. She turned out to not be home, but while on her street we discovered a large pile of discarded tree branches.  

M and I both love collecting sticks and wood, and he happily helped me drag a long stick home, which was 5 times his height! While I dragged an even larger tree limb, about twice my height home.  

Don't blame me, it's all the math problems I've been doing- "If the tree branch was 528 inches long, and the tree trunk was twice the length of the tree branch plus 20 inches, how long is the tree trunk?"  :D  528= tree branch(x)  ?= tree trunk   X=2x+20 ...haha..I'm pretty sure I didn't write that equation right, but I'm not going to! You get the picture!)

Oh, where was I... well...we walked home, and M was so excited. I was thankful

 


to have the energy to be on a nature walk with my sweet 6 year old. I know that my life was shaped with happy memories of being in nature, and I felt I was doing a good thing to be with him.  Did I still feel sad during this?  Sure.  Did I still have a fervent prayer in my heart for the confusion of emotion and sorrow to cease it's torrential rains? Yes!  But, being out, and doing "healthy" endeavors helped me to cope.

Soon after we arrived home and placed our trees by the side of the house, it was time for him to get ready for his kindergarten bus.  We came in a few minutes to get him ready for school, then we walked down the street to the bus stop.  

As only a 6 year old can do, he laid down on his stomach on the now greenish grass, as winter turns to spring.  I decided to lie down next to him.  And I slid comfortably onto my stomach, kissed his soft cheek, and I pleasantly spoke to him about the beautiful weather.  He chirped happily back that it was almost spring, and Easter would be here soon. I looked at the muted green tones of grass- dead and green among my fingertips.  I considered how sad I felt, but how I need to prepare for Easter!  He and my other children depend upon me to add the flowers of spring, and the sweetness of my candy-like decisions into their life. 

As the bus came down the street he jumped up. I slowly managed to roll up like a wounded elephant!  But, catching up to him, I exuberantly hugged him tightly, and kissed his little face,.. again! I prayed quietly with him, as the bus neared a stop.  

My adorable, growing up "baby boy" was soon leaping across the street, at the command of the bus driver’s motion to cross.  I gave the driver a friendly wave, and turned toward home.

I must remember that I am headed toward home- my real home, with Heavenly Father, who also directs me to cross dangerous paths, under the safety of His all-knowing care. 

While I need to do my best to brighten the lives of others wherever I walk, as well as seek to share a loving hand of friendship-- I must never lose sight of whose child I am.  I cannot please everyone, but if I please my God- it will be enough! I am His child. He will help me cross the dangerous road of life with the motion of his hand-- when I stay in His care! I am loved infinitely and endlessly!

Doctrine and Covenants 25:12

For my soul delighteth in the song of the heart; yea, the song of the righteous is a prayer unto me, and it shall be answered with a blessing upon their heads.

1 Kings 9:3

And the Lord said unto him, I have heard thy prayer and thy supplication, that thou hast made before me: I have hallowed this house, which thou hast built, to put my name there for ever; and mine eyes and mine heart shall be there perpetually.

That is my prayer also, that my desires to place God first in my life, will result in a "blessing upon (my) head...," so that my spirit and mortal frame will be a "hallowed...house," and be a place that the Lord's "eyes and ....heart shall be ...perpetually."

I will pray for you. I have confidence that as you continue to give your willing hands and heart to the Lord, He will make more of their capacity than is ever possible on one’s own!

Love,
Aunt Christine