Sad Sunday

Sunday turned out to be unexpectedly sad for me.  I found myself in a situation for which I was taken very much off guard.  The specific details don't matter anymore.  It's sufficient to say that when I walked away from this experience I was left to question a lot of things about myself. Specifically in my ability to act in ways that would please Heavenly Father, because I was told I didn't make this friend happy, even when I'd tried too.  The essence of my doubts stem in believing whether I have misplaced my faith in self and my understanding of the circle of life going on around me.

I won't say everything I did that afternoon to work through that experience, but I will say that I found Godly solace in the face of a "spiritual midlife crisis"-- so to speak!  I also got a blessing of comfort and my well of tears dried and my heart calmed.  I haven't cried a tear since!

Do I still have some of my doubts?  Sure.  But, I am not "throwing the baby (me) out with the bath water!"  I have built my foundation over the course of years.  I am not going to allow a jack-hammer of spoken, and implied meaning destroy the foundation of what makes me who I am!

Because of my insecurities, I have spend a lot of prayer and a lot of time meditating on where and how I went wrong.  I have also tried to see it from the other person's point of view.  (I don't want to spend my life being self centered, only thinking of how I feel. That can NEVER bring happiness.)  I want to try and understand the feelings, intentions and heart other people.  So my prayers were not only to have comfort, peace for myself, but also that my friend would have understanding and solace for they have a kind and sensitive soul too, and must be experiencing some pain as well.

In His mercy, God has answered many of my questions, and I feel I've been blessed to understand things beyond my own capacity.  I have also had continued assurances of my worth since Sunday. Assurances that let me know that just because things turned out as they did, doesn't reflect that I am any less loved, or any less of a person  (That may not make sense to some of my readers, but to those who experienced childhood trauma and abuse it is understood that the ramifications of fear and scars are felt into adulthood.)

I felt particular gratitude last night, as I prepared for bed in hotel room (my family and I are traveling for a few days:) I had specific words of a hymn come to mind.  "I will not doubt, I will not fear;"

With a quick search at music.lds.org I quickly learned the rest of the song :

I will not doubt, I will not fear;
God's love and strength 
are always near.
His promised gift 
helps me to find
An inner strength 
and peace of mind.

I give the Father willingly
My trust, my prayers, humility.
His Spirit guides; 
His love assures
That fear departs when faith endures

I knew this was a Heavenly message, and that I could take assurance!  I also felt added faith, when I read some scriptures to this associated hymn:

2 Timothy 1:

6 Wherefore I put thee in remembrance that thou stir up the gift of God, which is in thee by the putting on of my hands.

7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

I took immense comfort from those words, and that hymn.  There are many things I don't understand, but one thing I know...I am moving forward in complete faith in God, and not in man.

I still love and respect my friend, who either doesn't see me for me, or who chooses not to acknowledge that understanding.  In the end what will matter far more is that my hope in a patient, loving Heavenly Father is kept bright by my faith in Him!

I pray you also will take comfort and confidence in knowing that the God who created you has marvelous things in store for you.  Learn from those around you, but always allow the Spirit of God be your direct source of light.

Christine