Sad Sunday

Sunday turned out to be unexpectedly sad for me.  I found myself in a situation for which I was taken very much off guard.  The specific details don't matter anymore.  It's sufficient to say that when I walked away from this experience I was left to question a lot of things about myself. Specifically in my ability to act in ways that would please Heavenly Father, because I was told I didn't make this friend happy, even when I'd tried too.  The essence of my doubts stem in believing whether I have misplaced my faith in self and my understanding of the circle of life going on around me.

I won't say everything I did that afternoon to work through that experience, but I will say that I found Godly solace in the face of a "spiritual midlife crisis"-- so to speak!  I also got a blessing of comfort and my well of tears dried and my heart calmed.  I haven't cried a tear since!

Do I still have some of my doubts?  Sure.  But, I am not "throwing the baby (me) out with the bath water!"  I have built my foundation over the course of years.  I am not going to allow a jack-hammer of spoken, and implied meaning destroy the foundation of what makes me who I am!

Because of my insecurities, I have spend a lot of prayer and a lot of time meditating on where and how I went wrong.  I have also tried to see it from the other person's point of view.  (I don't want to spend my life being self centered, only thinking of how I feel. That can NEVER bring happiness.)  I want to try and understand the feelings, intentions and heart other people.  So my prayers were not only to have comfort, peace for myself, but also that my friend would have understanding and solace for they have a kind and sensitive soul too, and must be experiencing some pain as well.

In His mercy, God has answered many of my questions, and I feel I've been blessed to understand things beyond my own capacity.  I have also had continued assurances of my worth since Sunday. Assurances that let me know that just because things turned out as they did, doesn't reflect that I am any less loved, or any less of a person  (That may not make sense to some of my readers, but to those who experienced childhood trauma and abuse it is understood that the ramifications of fear and scars are felt into adulthood.)

I felt particular gratitude last night, as I prepared for bed in hotel room (my family and I are traveling for a few days:) I had specific words of a hymn come to mind.  "I will not doubt, I will not fear;"

With a quick search at music.lds.org I quickly learned the rest of the song :

I will not doubt, I will not fear;
God's love and strength 
are always near.
His promised gift 
helps me to find
An inner strength 
and peace of mind.

I give the Father willingly
My trust, my prayers, humility.
His Spirit guides; 
His love assures
That fear departs when faith endures

I knew this was a Heavenly message, and that I could take assurance!  I also felt added faith, when I read some scriptures to this associated hymn:

2 Timothy 1:

6 Wherefore I put thee in remembrance that thou stir up the gift of God, which is in thee by the putting on of my hands.

7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

I took immense comfort from those words, and that hymn.  There are many things I don't understand, but one thing I know...I am moving forward in complete faith in God, and not in man.

I still love and respect my friend, who either doesn't see me for me, or who chooses not to acknowledge that understanding.  In the end what will matter far more is that my hope in a patient, loving Heavenly Father is kept bright by my faith in Him!

I pray you also will take comfort and confidence in knowing that the God who created you has marvelous things in store for you.  Learn from those around you, but always allow the Spirit of God be your direct source of light.

Christine

In Memory of Mama

 Today I have stopped to give grateful consideration to my Mom, who now watches over me from Heaven.

My Mom Donna, age 18

Graduation day for Mom.

My Mom overcame a life filled with being abused, and overcoming many other tragic obstacles.  She went back to school to become a teacher.  She did this as a divorced Mom of 4 young children.  She was very determined.  She was also a blessing in the lives of her elementary students.  They always felt loved and cared for by her, and loved her in return.

Here's my Mom and I.  The days of big hair!!

Before she died on her 66th birthday from congestive heart failure, nearly 9 years ago, she experienced many debilitating health conditions. And yet, she kept trying to go to church even when she was in a lot of pain.


I have many happy memories with my Mama---I remember the time she tried to take my little sister and I fishing and camping, but in the process of trying to teach us to fish, she tripped, and she was in so much pain.  She got us back in the truck, and tried to drive quickly back down from Yosemite back to Merced to get to a doctor.  She'd injured her ankle, and couldn't press the accelerator, so I had to use my leg from the passenger side to press the pedal during that crazy experience.  I remember being so disappointed that I couldn't learn to fish (nor did I until I was about 22), but I always felt happy that she had tried to make up for our not having a Dad.

My siblings and I.  I'm in the blue dress on the right.

Mom loved driving and visiting family.  We often found ourselves on long, but happy drives across the desserts of Utah and Nevada.

She also loved Der Wienershnitzal hotdogs.  We'd always go through the drive through, and then park and eat.  (No wonder I love to eat in the car!)

On Mother's Day she would give me little sister and I gifts (Like nail polish, lipstick, and eye shadow) ---just because she felt lucky to have such good daughters!

I learned to play the organ because she felt impressed to buy it at our local Chowchilla fair.  If I'd sit and practice the organ, she did my chores.  I still remember playing the old hymns, like "Amazing Grace" and "Abide with Me" while she stood at the kitchen sink washing the dishes (or as she said it, "warsh" or "warshing") and she'd sing along with me from the kitchen sink. (My Mom sang beautifully.)

My Mom saying goodbye to my first 2 children.  She couldn't
keep living in Hawaii with us, because she was not able to
get good medical care in the little town we lived.  She was so
sad to be saying goodbye to the children. :(

 She would sometimes make Chinese food (wantons) which I loved.   But more often than not, I remember eating a lot of hot dogs!

I still remember the beautiful sunny day when she sliced up some fresh garden tomatoes and salted them.  We were new from California, and I don't recall eating fresh garden tomatoes, until this day, when I was around 16.  She treated this as most delicious fare, and I too remember the savor upon my tongue and heart from that moment of her enthusiasm.

My Mom like keeping a supply of frozen peaches she had sliced in the freezer.  I remember many yummy peach shakes, which never failed to remind me of happy summer days in Chowchilla, where we enjoyed family time with homemade peach Ice Cream and four wheeling at the house of Pam and Craig Wood-members of our local branch.

This is the first and last time my Mom got to meet my H.
Mom died a few months later of congestive heart fail

My Mother!  A woman of faith, and courage.  A woman, for whom there always seemed to be a lot of uncertainty.  A woman who was willing to give up addictions (smoking and drinking) and live the Law of Chastity, and tithing to follow the Savior, by becoming a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of latter-day Saints.

I remember that she tried to speak very little to us of her worries to us her daughters.  She didn't want to burden us with her problems, which she said too many parents did with their children.





My Mom consistently testified that all that we suffer in this world only helps us to learn and grow.  She expressed that our suffering is something we would one day rejoice over, because she'd had very special spiritual experiences that had witnessed that to her. I now understand that more completely.  To become like the Savior, we must face fiery trials with faith and determination.



No words can express how thankful I am to follow in the path of the Savior Jesus Christ, because my Mom was willing to try and change her life.

She was not perfect, she made mistakes, she was terrible at finances and budgeting, and oh yeah, who can forget her moments of hot-headedness "Just let me out of the car, I'll walk home!"  haha... But Mama did the best she could, just like each of us.

I have a very strong testimony that we all make mistakes as people and parents.  We have great moments, and moments we wish we could take back, but we CAN'T.

I take complete comfort and hope in seeing that through the atonement of Jesus Christ, I can repent, and change my life.  In fact, even now, I am not same the woman I was two years ago. I've been able to turn my life around and make changes I never imagined possible.

The Savior can heal our heart of sorrows and anguish, and from sins and rebellion---if we turn our heart to Him, and learn to tune out the voices all around us, which tell us we can't be worth anything.

Here is my family at my Mom's grave

I am thankfully my Mom was willing to try---even when it didn't seem the odds were in her favor.  I love you Mom. Thank you for watching over me---even from Heaven.

Thank you for letting me know you are near with songs to my memory like "I love you a bushel and a peck!" or "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." You taught me to love music, and rainbows, and art, and Heavenly Father.  You were wise beyond your years, and you loved me unconditionally, and with tremendous patience! (And trust me, we both know that I tested it a time or two!!) You were the best Mom for me, and I wouldn't have had it any other way!

I look forward to the day when I can hug her and visit her in Heaven.  (But I'm not in any rush to get there~!)  For now, it's enough to take comfort from the scripture:

Jesus Christ

Isaiah 25:8

Old Testament

He will swallow up death in victory; and the Lord God will wipe away tears from off all faces; and the rebuke of his people shall he take away from off all the earth: for the Lord hath spoken it.
-------------------------

I hope you have found reason to consider with appreciate the influence of mother's. From your very own, to the lady down the street who taught you how to crochet, or other women who have fulfilled the place of Mom, when yours was unable to be there for you.

I hope you will take comfort in knowing that we will see our loved ones when our time is through here on earth.

I hope you will keep trying, even when it seems like it's not worth it. Life is worth living, and you are valued and loved, even if you don't recognize it.

My warmest regards, Christine

A rescue isn't one sided

It's been a day of reflection for me.  I wish I could tell you've I've done it with all cheerfulness.  But, in fact, today has been "one of those days."  It started last night when I realized my 6 year old really was feeling sick.  He fell asleep on my bed at 5 pm, and only woke up around 8:30 pm, when I was finishing up scriptures and prayers with the other children.  He went potty and went right back to sleep.  (If you know my ADHD sweetheart, then you know he'd only act this way when sick!) I tucked his feverish body in bed, and climbing into my own bed realized I felt a bit queezy.  Added to that my 4 year old started to become feverish and moaned and groaned all night long.  

It only made sense to keep them home the next morning, right?   Maybe it was because I was tired from a long night, but we slept in, and skipped school.  I soon realized  when I woke up that they weren't as sick as I thought, but I still felt unpleasantly out of sorts.  So home they stayed.

I'll spare you the details, but while my back was turned they threw my expensive camera out the second floor window.  Intentionally!  (And no, it was not in the protective case!)  I tell you now, I feel so grateful it is not broken!  However, I was not my sweetest self in response to their behavior!  I rarely yell, but I did on this occasion.  I gave my 6 year old son a swat.  Again, this is rare for me.  I needed him to understand that this intentional behavior was  not right.  I also placed him in a time out.  I then proceeded to do the same with 4 year old brother.  They were both involved in the occurrence.

After placing 4 year old in a time out, I rushed past 6 year old son, and again made angry remarks like, "How could you do this to me?  I don't throw your toys out the window!"  What I saw when he was huddled there in his time out corner upset me.   For in his eyes and tense body movements, I saw his worry and fear of me.  My heart felt badly.  I grew up in a home of abuse.  I remembered being in a corner feeling afraid. While my actions today would by no means be considered abuse, they were not the action of the sweet Mom he's used to.  At least not the Mom I've become over the last couple of years.

I could see his worry, fear, and sadness in his eyes, and I felt awful.  I know Heavenly Father wants me to show love and care for the most precious gifts he has placed in my life.  I prayerfully asked Heavenly Father to help me feel nicer and I asked his forgiveness for over-reacting.

My natural instincts changed from anger and worry over possible damage to a camera I could not replace, to wanting to be the Mom God wants me to be for my children.   I still defined my expectations for the boys, and they lost consequences---like treats today.  They also had to help clean up their room, and could not play outside for a while.  But no longer was anger helping me choose my parenting actions.  Instead, I chose to allow love and patience to dictate my actions.  I made sure my children knew they were loved after that.

Today I was listening to a wonderful talk as I cleaned up my room (mostly toys and stray things that seem to float around a home with young children!). It was a fitting topic called,  Finding Joy In the Journey by Thomas S. Monson.   Here are a few thing that stood out to me.  (Okay, maybe a few more than a few--but some gems.  I would recommend it all, because he shares some touching stories.)

I begin by mentioning one of the most inevitable aspects of our lives here upon the earth, and that is change. At one time or another we’ve all heard some form of the familiar adage: “Nothing is as constant as change.”

Throughout our lives, we must deal with change. Some changes are welcome; some are not. There are changes in our lives which are sudden, such as the unexpected passing of a loved one, an unforeseen illness, the loss of a possession we treasure. But most of the changes take place subtly and slowly.

Day by day, minute by minute, second by second we went from where we were to where we are now. The lives of all of us, of course, go through similar alterations and changes. The difference between the changes in my life and the changes in yours is only in the details. Time never stands still; it must steadily march on, and with the marching come the changes.

This is our one and only chance at mortal life—here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief. Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not. I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and nonexistent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now.

If you have children who are grown and gone, in all likelihood you have occasionally felt pangs of loss and the recognition that you didn’t appreciate that time of life as much as you should have. Of course, there is no going back, but only forward. Rather than dwelling on the past, we should make the most of today, of the here and now, doing all we can to provide pleasant memories for the future.
If you are still in the process of raising children, be aware that the tiny fingerprints that show up on almost every newly cleaned surface, the toys scattered about the house, the piles and piles of laundry to be tackled will disappear all too soon and that you will—to your surprise—miss them profoundly.

Stresses in our lives come regardless of our circumstances. We must deal with them the best we can. But we should not let them get in the way of what is most important—and what is most important almost always involves the people around us. Often we assume that they must know how much we love them. But we should never assume; we should let them know. Wrote William Shakespeare, “They do not love that do not show their love.” ³ We will never regret the kind words spoken or the affection shown. Rather, our regrets will come if such things are omitted from our relationships with those who mean the most to us.

Send that note to the friend you’ve been neglecting; give your child a hug; give your parents a hug; say “I love you” more; always express your thanks. Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved. Friends move away, children grow up, loved ones pass on. It’s so easy to take others for granted, until that day when they’re gone from our lives and we are left with feelings of “what if” and “if only.” Said author Harriet Beecher Stowe, “The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.” ⁴

Let us relish life as we live it, find joy in the journey, and share our love with friends and family. One day each of us will run out of tomorrows.

Said one well-known author: “Both abundance and lack [of abundance] exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend … when we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that’s present—love, health, family, friends, work, the joys of nature, and personal pursuits that bring us [happiness]—the wasteland of illusion falls away and we experience heaven on earth.” 6

Said the Lord in a revelation given through the Prophet Joseph Smith, “In nothing doth man offend God, or against none is his wrath kindled, save those who confess not his hand in all things.” 10 May we be found among those who give our thanks to our Heavenly Father. If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues.

Despite the changes which come into our lives and with gratitude in our hearts, may we fill our days—as much as we can—with those things which matter most. May we cherish those we hold dear and express our love to them in word and in deed.

He taught us how to pray. He taught us how to serve. He taught us how to live. His life is a legacy of love. The sick He healed; the downtrodden He lifted; the sinner He saved.
The time came when He stood alone. Some Apostles doubted; one betrayed Him. The Roman soldiers pierced His side. The angry mob took His life. There yet rings from Golgotha’s hill His compassionate words, “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.” 11

Earlier, perhaps perceiving the culmination of His earthly mission, He spoke the lament, “Foxes have holes, and the birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head.” 12 “No room in the inn” 13 was not a singular expression of rejection—just the first. Yet He invites you and me to receive Him. “Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.” 14

Who was this Man of sorrows, acquainted with grief? Who is the King of glory, this Lord of hosts? He is our Master. He is our Savior. He is the Son of God. He is the Author of our Salvation. He beckons, “Follow me.” 15 He instructs, “Go, and do thou likewise.” 16 He pleads, “Keep my commandments.” 17

Let us follow Him. Let us emulate His example. Let us obey His word. By so doing, we give to Him the divine gift of gratitude.

Brothers and sisters, my sincere prayer is that we may adapt to the changes in our lives, that we may realize what is most important, that we may express our gratitude always and thus find joy in the journey. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

 When I came to blog tonight, I was going to touch upon my feelings of loneliness, and personal concerns I felt today.  But, in truth, as I read the above talk, reflected on my day, and consider my blessings, I feel comforted.  My life certainly has areas of sorrow over things out of my control, but Heavenly Father does not leave me alone to face my life.  As I look to him, He always provides comfort and direction.

One example of this was a song that played into my thoughts as I knelt to pray.  "I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me."  I knew I was loved, and that through the Savior all things will eventually (in this life, or the next) be made right as I follow Him in faith.  I was grateful that I could be forgiven of my mistakes in parenting.  I felt even more thankful to know that God's power can help bless my children, in ways that I will unintentionally fall short.

I Stand All Amazed

1. I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me,
Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me.
I tremble to know that for me he was crucified,
That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died.

(Chorus)
Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
Enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!

2. I marvel that he would descend from his throne divine
To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,
That he should extend his great love unto such as I,
Sufficient to own, to redeem, and to justify.

3. I think of his hands pierced and bleeding to pay the debt!
Such mercy, such love and devotion can I forget?
No, no, I will praise and adore at the mercy seat,
Until at the glorified throne I kneel at his feet.

Text and music: Charles H. Gabriel, 1856-1932

I hope you know that it is never too late to improve your life, or change it altogether.  I never thought it possible.  But over the last two years, I have gone from being in a pretty messed up standard of living and a pathetic view of myself and the world, to a life or greater order and peace.  Trust me, through Him all things are possible.  He didn't place us here alone to face our battles.  God put people in our lives to help us, as we can help them.  We each have special things to offer one another.  Don't be afraid to reach out for help.

Recently at my stake conference, my stake president spoke of  how a person drowning in the middle of the
sea, will never be able to save himself, unless someone throws him a rescue line.  And yet, even then, ultimately the person in need of being saved must determine if they grab hold of the rope.  Being rescued takes effort and responsibility on both sides.  No one can help you save your life, unless you want to be saved!  I needed to consider that.

 19 ¶^aRepent ye therefore, and be ^bconverted, that your sins may be^cblotted out, when the times of refreshing shall come from the^dpresence of the Lord;

                                                                                                                               
                                                                                                                           Acts 3:19 (Bible)