Marriage

Before I start talking.  I should tell you that my marriage concerns don't have anything to do with domestic violence.  If you are in a frightening relationship situation.  Please, please get help.  Find a safe spot, and call this number now! 1-800-799-(SAFE) 7233. You don't deserve to be abused...NO MATTER what you've done.  It's not your fault. Please believe me.  My prayers go out to those of you, who find yourselves in such situations.  There is hope and healing through a loving Heavenly Father, and from those who serve with gentle and loving hands of service here on earth.  May you find His peace.

=========Well, after that serious  beginning, it's hard for me to switch to what I plan to say.  It makes me realize just how blessed I am.   But, on I will go.....

I don't know about you, but I've been married 17 years, and it isn't a bed of roses.  In fact, it hasn't quite as I'd envisioned it.  I married a good man, don't get me wrong.  But, well, he's super shy, and very uncomfortable in social settings.  (Except when he's acting in a role--Another story for another time.)  Because of that reason, and some other  differences, there have been many moments of heartache or anger on my part.

Of course, here I could tell you what he finds frustrating about me.  My cold feet when I come to bed, after he's been sleeping many hours.  My struggle to wake up in the morning, when he's most cheerful and energetic.   The attention I bring to us when we are out in public, through my talkative, social mannerisms. (Oh, that makes my shy husband uncomfortable!)  How I slow him down, when he's in a rush to get somewhere. etc. etc.  You get the point.  But, I'm not here to speak of comparative differences.  And I'm only going to speak from my point of view.  It's not meant to put him down.  It's only meant to point out some of the challenging dynamics of marriage.

This past year as I've really tried to get to know my Heavenly Father better, I've done a lot of praying for His gift of charity.  I've really had to give closer consideration to God's will in everything.  Especially as it relates to my relationship to my husband.   This has  come as a challenge for me, because some people might consider me stubborn.  Okay, fine, I admit it.  I've always been quite stubborn and a wee bit headstrong!  I get an idea, and my mind is not easily swayed.  I am grateful to say that is changing.


Something my insightful  bishop taught me this year, is that I cannot control my spouse.  I can only control myself.  I can choose to respond with consideration to his feelings, and seek to understand his perspective above my own.  Or, I can cause a fight over things in my marriage because I want them to go a different direction.  While I am certainly imperfect,  I feel I have been truly blessed.  I'm not quite where I hope to be in my marriage, but as I've lightened up with control, I've felt a lot more peace.  I am able to let go and move on so much more quickly.  Truly a miracle! (If you are LDS and you need someone to talk to, I hope you will go to your bishop.  He can help.  Don't delay.)

Last LDS Conference I heard a talk about terrific marriages.  I have to tell you that I didn't much care for it.  Not because it wasn't a great talk, and well written.  It's just that it hurt my heart a bit, to see how far away I am from the ideal of marriage that I want for us.  I admit my marriage and family life is probably far better than many in the world, but it's not where I long for it to be.  When I heard the talk I felt depressed.  Recently I decided to revisited it, and instead focus on the aspects within my control.   One part really stuck out to me as I read it, "cheerfully do all things that lie in (my) power to persevere"  I felt happiness at those words, realizing that despite my imperfections, I really have been smiling more, showing more patience, and acting within MY CONTROL to not let the less than perfect side of my marriage bring me down.  Indeed, I Have been "cheerfully doing" all that lay within my power. (And like in my older blog posts, I encourage each of us to CELEBRATE our SUCCESS.   :)

"There are those whose marriages are not as happy as they would wish, as well as those who have never married, are divorced, are single parents, or for various reasons are not in a position to marry. These circumstances can be full of challenge and heartbreak, but they need not be eternal. To those of you in such situations who nevertheless “cheerfully do all things that lie in [your] power” ¹¹ to persevere, may heaven bless you richly. Seek after the ideal of forming an eternal marriage, including by striving or preparing to be a worthy spouse. Keep the commandments, and trust the Lord and His perfect love for you. One day every promised blessing concerning marriage will be yours. ^12" APRIL 2013 MARRIAGE: WATCH AND LEARN

Today as I studied some articles at www.lds.org on the topic of marriage, I found this marriage article interesting.

“Two people coming from different backgrounds soon learn after the ceremony is performed that stark reality must be faced. There is no longer a life of fantasy or of make-believe; we must come out of the clouds and put our feet firmly on the earth. Responsibility must be assumed and new duties must be accepted. Some personal freedoms must be relinquished and many adjustments, unselfish adjustments, must be made.

“One comes to realize very soon after marriage that the spouse has weaknesses not previously revealed or discovered. The virtues that were constantly magnified during courtship now grow relatively smaller, and the weaknesses that seemed so small and insignificant during courtship now grow to sizeable proportions. The hour has come for understanding hearts, for self-appraisal, and for good common sense, reasoning, and planning.” (Marriage and Divorce, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1976, pp. 12–13.)

....William Jordan then made another interesting observation: “In the days of courtship two may feel that they thoroughly understand each other, and that no matter how many marriages may fail their happiness together is absolutely assured. Yet courtship is only the kindergarten class of matrimony. Courtship is the preliminary canter, not the real race. It is the matrimonial shopping; marriage is the acceptance of the unreturnable delivered goods. Courtship is the joyous, sunshine launching of the craft of hope; marriage is the long cruise across uncharted seas. The two now pass under the test of new conditions; they face new problems and enter a life of finer attunement, of constant call on patience, tolerance, forbearance, concession, kindness, sympathy and wise understanding.” (Improvement Era, July 1911, pp. 787–88.)

The importance of efforts and attitude, of believing and hoping, of bearing and enduring in marriage (see 1 Cor. 13:7, and Moro. 7:45) is emphasized in the poem “Listen World”:

You can’t leave love to luck.

Love first came with leaping ecstacy.

But when this passes … as it always may …

Love, too, will go unless you make it stay.

For there come times when hearts

Are deaf and dumb, when nothing wakens,

Nothing yearns or burns. … These times must come;

They are not accident, nor do they proveYour choice of love was wrong.

They come with every lover,

Every loving bond-mother or father,

Sister, brother, mate. Always, at times,

Love seems as cold as hate …

Cut off forever, by malignant fate.

But it’s not so. Such chilling of the heart’s

As much a part of life as thirst or hunger. …

It’s the natural ebb of our affection’s flow.

Such times must come for all who love,

And when they come you must know why,

And how to meet them or your love will die.

You can’t leave love to luck,

You must at times build love.

Though lacking all delight,

As blind men weave a pattern in the night,

Counting each gentle gesture,

Spacing word and smile, groping through darkness

Of both heart and head, as blind men fumble

With their unseen thread.

Until at last from out of the dull

Gray warp and woof of service, unto God and men,

There’s the shine of that sweet wonder

Which you had thought had passed …

And, once again, you feel God’s beautiful design.

(Author unknown, quoted in Louis H. Evans, Your Marriage, Duel or Duet? Westward, New Jersey: F. H. Revell Co., 1962, p. 72.)

During the times of the lows, couples should try to build love, as mentioned in the poem. One way to give the highs more attention, more focus, is to talk about them and relive them together. “What have been the highlights of our marriage thus far?” “What were the contributing circumstances?” “Could we create these or similar experiences again?” (See the exercise “Remembering the Highs” at the end of this article.)

Instead of measuring our marriage by the low of the lows, let’s judge it by the high of the highs. And the good news is that the highs are in our control. We

can plan for and create good times together. Then we will have something to cushion the lows with when they occur unbidden. And by so doing, we increase our capacity to survive in marriage. Since we have had good times together in the past—and every married couple has—we likely have the same capacity to experience them again if we both choose to do so. And maybe we’ll discover that things really aren’t so bad after all.

As we experience the lows and strive for the highs in marriage, let’s consider this counsel and promise from the Lord:

“Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good, if ye walk uprightly and remember the covenant wherewith ye have covenanted one with another.” (D&C 90:24.)

Remembering the Highs
It is important to focus on the “highs” instead of the “lows” in marriage. This exercise will help you recall some of the pleasant times and positive experiences you’ve had together. Complete the following statements individually in writing, and then share your written and verbal responses with each other. You may wish to divide this exercise into two or three sessions.

1. The first time I saw you was …
2. I wanted to be with you because …
3. I was impressed with you because …
4. I decided I wanted to marry you because …
5. During our engagement, the most difficult situations we overcame were …
6. The most pleasant memories of our wedding day are …
7. The most difficult experiences we have encountered and survived thus far in our marriage are
8. At the birth of our first child I felt …
9. Highlights of our marriage thus far have been …
10. Other pleasant memories I have of you and our marriage are …
11. Things I like best about you are …
12. Three things about our marriage right now that are good are …
13. Three things about our marriage right now that are great are …"

Brent A. Barlow
http://www.lds.org/ensign/1983/10/the-highs-and-lows-of-marriage?THE HIGHS AND LOWS OF MARRIAGE

I know marriage can be hard.  Very hard.  Sometimes the hardest, most discouraging journey in life can be felt when you share a very lonely road with a companion, who no longer seems to be your friend.  Or, the pain of living with a spouse, who may care, but ends up hurting you with unkind words and thoughtless deeds.  Or any other set of dynamics.

But, if you are like me, then you don't view giving up as an option.  Though at times emotionally you may give up, you know that you want to try and make it work.  You want to find a way to be happy together.  But, sometimes, no matter how hard you try that just doesn't happen.

I really don't have any 
perfect answers to those 
of you in troubling or heartbreaking marriages. 
I do believe God can heal hearts and marriages and homes and families.  In fact, I've seen that in many ways in my own life.  (The video takes a strong stand for marriage, but please KNOW our church does not tolerate domestic violence, and abuse.)

We can't give up.  We must keep trying.  How does the old adage go, "Anything worth having, is worth fighting for."  Look to God in prayer, and in more consistent and daily efforts to do His will.  Seek for help from family, friends, church leaders, and/or counselors.  Like me, I know you will feel a difference.

Don't give up.  Don't become apathetic and accept life and marriage as drudgery.  Hold on to happy memories and hopeful dreams, then act upon goals and efforts that will bring a happier marriage relationship into your heart, or, if nothing else, a happier heart into your unhappy marriage.  I know it's possible.

Keep Trying,
Christine


To learn more about marriage, family, Jesus Christ, prayer, and many other wonderful life changing things, please visit my friends at http://mormon.org/


You can also get a FREE Book of Mormon by visiting this link.  Learn more by watching this short video.  The Book of Mormon is additional scripture that compliments the Holy Bible.  I study them each night, and feel the power of God in my life because of it.  In fact, let me share a scripture with you from it....

2 Nephi 25
26 And we ^atalk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we ^bprophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our ^cchildren may know to what source they may look for a ^dremission of their sins.
 .
P.S.  Mormon's are CHRISTians!!  :)