I knew exactly where I was going with all the turmoil that consumed my troubled spirit. I was headed to the cemetery. Oh, sure, I know what you're thinking. She is one strange woman. Well, I suppose I am! But I have long felt that cemeteries are sacred places.
|Photo I took of Tyler as he helped|
his sons get ready for a funeral.
My beloved brother-in-law, Tyler was buried at this cemetery.
He died when he was 30. Leaving a young pregnant widow and3 boys under the age of 8. Heart complication (from his pacemaker). Tyler was such a dear and trusted friend to me. He was so tremendously kind to my husband and children, and I learned so many things.
|Tyler holding my (now 19-year-old) baby at the small family|
birthday luau we had when he turned 1.
His grave is the dearest family I have buried here. My beloved Mom is buried in central Utah, and I'm unable to go that far.
|The face of misery. :(|
I unhappily stormed out of my church building and walked uphill many blocks in my small, hilly town. I can't tell you exactly how I felt (which is very important to me). I guess it was a mix of fear, anger, and sadness. I wanted to feel numb, but then the thought struck me that I was not walking along, but that I had a band of loving angels surrounding me in my sorrow. That thought caused the tears to well up. Though I fought that emotion. Anger is a less vulnerable emotion, you know?!
But I allowed my heart to soften and "listened" and contemplated as I sat on (and then by) Tyler's headstone. I did a lot of praying and soul-searching. I pleaded with God to know if I'd been living the right way and doing things to please Him. I wanted assurance that I was right before God. I wanted to understand what was happening. I wanted to know a lot of things. But as God often does, I got some sweet assurances, but I did not have ALL my questions answers.
|I've always wished I actually|
would look sad, instead of
I assure you I'm not
mad-- like I look here!
Just very sad. It's a good reminder
not to judge people
by their expressions! ;)
Some of these assurances came in the form of remembering. Like remembering the beautiful talk by Elder Wirthlin "Come What May and Love it."
|I snapped this just after hearing the song "On Eagle's Wings,"as I walked out of the cemetery. |
I did feel a little better, but this is the best smile I could muster.
1. You who dwell in the shelter of our God,
who abide in this shadow for life,
say to the Lord: 'My refuge, my Rock in whom I trust!'
'And I will raise you up on eagle's wings,
bear you on the breath of dawn,
make you to shine like the sun,
and hold you in the palm of my hand.'
2. The snare of the fowler will never capture you,
and famine will bring you no fear:
under God's wings your refuge,
God's faithfulness your shield.
3. You need not fear the terror of the night,
nor the arrow that flies by day;
though thousands fall about you,
near you it shall not come.
4. For to God's angels is given a command
to guard you in all of your ways,
upon their hands they will bear you up,
lest you dash your foot against a stone.
'...and [I will] hold you, hold you in the palm of my hand.'
I'd been fasting that day that I'd have the strength to bear my complex emotions. I also was fasting for my sister, and also a dear friend in need. I am uncertain as to how they were blessed, but when I returned to church I felt a considerable calm to my concerns. I was able to stand among friends and act with a pleasantness I could not have otherwise done. I felt so thankful that the power of God can work in our lives as we look to him.
I don't have all the answers.
I don't know where things will go from here.
I don't know how all the complexities will play out.
What I do know is that whether I walk in sunshine or storm, I will walk with God.
May we seek Him in all we do. He has the power to heal and redeem us. Let us trust Him with every fiber of our being!
#MyHopeisYouAlone #EvenifYouDon't #ItisWellWithMySoul #JesusiWillCling2You