Burial Dress Lesson

Sunday, during church, I learned the shocking news that my friend's baby had died. Little Nora was born at 23 weeks gestation. She lived a week and a day, but then died September 7, due to an infection. 

While I can't exactly relate to a loss so late in pregnancy, I did feel an added measure of sorrow to consider how her oldest son (approx age 4 years old) must feel. 

When my oldest son was about the same age as her son is now, I had a early miscarriage. I felt disappointment at the loss, but oh, my son was devastated by losing the sibling he had apparently felt so much anticipation for! (He loves children!) 

In memory of my son's feelings, my heart had an added motherly ache. I wanted to do something special her and her family.  But what?

Sundress soon to be
a beautiful, modest gown!

Upon contempation of those feelings, I decided to make a burial gown. I knew it might not be needed, but I also knew that it if was, I'd need plenty of time to make it. With the funeral two days away I worried I might not have time if she said she would like me to make her a burial dress. I had wanted her to be able to design the gown for her baby, in whatever style she imagined, but I had not heard back as of Monday morning, so I decided to just get to work and make one. I figured "What can it hurt to be prepared?"

I went through my fabric in search of the perfect material. I wanted to do french hierloom pintucks and lace insertion, but that would take days to create. And then I thought a ornately beaded wedding dress would look stunning, but I didn't have enough left over from a wedding dress I'd recently used for a costume. So I kept looking. 

In a little stack of white blouses and dresses (which I'd set aside with the purpose of using on burial gowns) I rediscovered a lightweight sundress I'd purchased at a local thrift shop. I decided this would be perfect! 

With dress and supplies in hand I headed to my comfortable sewing spot upstairs. Just where my huband likes it! ;) 

First I laid out the dress on my bed, then I studied how the laces, ruffles, and underlays had been sewn. I consider all the possibilites to suit my needs, and how to get the best outcome by cutting in just right places. I contemplated how I wanted this to fit a body so very small, delicate, and possibly swollen. With the details firmly in my mind I created a pattern. I then placed the pattern pieces on carefully selected areas of the dress, and I went to work in pinning and cutting. 

I've just finished pinning the neck facing.

From there I pinned and sewed the pieces together. I worked from the beginning stages to the more advanced stages and areas of neck, sleeves and closure. Then I went back and pinned and sewed some more!  

And then, when it seemed I neared completion, I cut away excess fabric and hanging threads. I also reinforced specific spots, and sometimes I took parts that I'd sewn together, and I cut them off or reworked them for better results. 

Yep, lot's of details! But they're important to what I'm going to say! :)

After completing it, I finally got word from a sister at my church ( My Relief Society ("R.S.") president--she takes care of all the women at my local church. Or as we call it- a "ward") that the mom already had something for angel baby to be buried in. 

Ties on an open back for easy dressing.

I had prepared myself that the dress might not be needed, but I still felt some self doubts over having even made an initial effort. I also have to admit I felt embarrassed for having gone to "so much trouble for nothing," and I worried of how ridiculous I must look to others for having done more than a condolence card. 

I took painstaking efforts to make sure it was a beautiful creation, which I'd envisioned from the start. And yet, I looked back after 6+ hours of a days efforts and wondered if my time would have been better spent on housework, or homework (as I'm back to college). I also wondered if maybe the dress and bonnet were just too old-fashioned looking (something I only noticed upon completion),  and maybe she really just didn't want it. I worried about having put myself out there for others to judge!

Here I am sewing. A drill is always
important to have handy! ;)

But regardless of my doubts, I can't deny that I felt good as I created that little gown. My heavy heart took on wings as I worked. I realize now that I had needed a reminder lesson about my life, and the goodness, grace, and mercy of a devoted Heavenly Father!

Let me tell you why! (Here's where the above details matter!:)

You see, on a small scale, I was doing what God does with each of us. He helps to recreate our mortal mind and spirits into something better and more beautiful! The symbolism in my creation and efforts of this dress reveals that if we let His masterful hands work on us, He can repurpose us into something more beautiful than we can imagine on our own. 

He takes the cut & damaged parts of our lives, and with tremendous care and attention to EVERY detail he will refashion us into something of greater value! God can take things that seem permanent design flaws of our character or circumstance, and through cutting and reconnecting He will have made a more pleasing, beneficial creation. His work may hurt initially, but these careful cuttings and reshapings will be immeasurable blessings to us in the long run!

The bodice measures approx 4" across.

I realize now that I needed to have a visual (though time-consuming) lesson on His work with me, and each of us!.  Even though my gift wasn't needed by this family, I needed the reminder of how our Heavenly Father tenderly and individually works with each and fills us with hope through His artistic vision! He can help fulfill us with more noble purposes! 

It seems I have nothing to offer this family now in their time of loss. Sure, I'll take a meal and make a condolance card. But I wanted to do something special. But perhaps the best thing we can offer someone is continued prayers on their behalf, when we seem limited in what we have to give. 

This process of growth and improvement
can be a very messy experience!

May we remember we are worth more than what we initially appear to be! It doesn't matter if we are loved, accepted, or understood by those around us. I really believe, despite my feelings of personal insecurities, that when we are trying to do a loving thing, we are pleasing Heavenly Father. There is no failure or shame in trying to be right before God! He accepts all our offerings- big or very small, and He can, and will, multiply those efforts for our good!

For all my imperfection and weakness, I take comfort in knowing that through the master creator, who lovingly knows how to shape and construct us, we are destined for eternal joy and unparalleled vistas of heavenly beauty!

May we keep His love ever before our eyes, and let the Lord God work His miracles in our hearts and lives!

Christine

UPDATE: I went to a truly beautiful funeral of this little child tonight at The Church of Jesus Christ of latter-day Saints. This little girl, no more than 10.5 inches tall lay in her casket all dressed in white. She was perfect in from head to toe. Her little fingers were half the length of my a sewing need, and she had precious little finger nail painted with light pink nail polish. She had a a precious white headband, and she wore a delightful antique blessing gown with pintucks and fancy french heirloom work. 

This beautiful baby wore a dress that had been made by the dad's great grandma- generations ago...for a doll! I felt tearful to consider that the hand of providence was in motion long before this little girl passed away, so that a perfect family heirloom was ready for this day!

There were many tear filled eyes (especially as the dad walked in carrying the casket of his baby) but the funeral was filled with messages and songs of hope through Jesus Christ. If you've never been to a "Mormon" funeral, I recommend you go to see what I mean. There is always an underlying theme of being able to be reuinited with our loved ones again!

To learn more about our beliefs on death please go to this following link: https://www.mormon.org/beliefs/life-after-death

I now obviously I realize that I worried needlessly about my dress somehow being rejected for looking too antique! ;) I plan to learn from this lesson!

Carrying Others into the Pool of Bethesda

There is someone in my life who is tremendously unhappy, worried, and well... rather hard to have around, because they complain and criticize a lot.

You know those people, right?  Nothing ever seems to make them happy.  They usually express that if certain conditions existed then they would not worry so much and they could finally be happy. Instead of happiness being a journey, it is always the destination for these kinds.

Well, the Spirit of God seemed to whisper to me, months ago, that I needed to help "carry this person into the Pool of Bethesda."  I assumed it meant help teach them how to be happy, and to learn about the loving nature of God.  In turn help to heal them of anxiety and depression.  But that clearly has not happened!

Tonight I decided to read the source of where I had learned about this concept of the "pool of Bethesda."  I read the tear-jerking article and decided that the best thing I can do for my friend is to serve and love with patience and a non-critical ear. (And a Few Other things)  When it comes to certain people I have plenty of patience.  But, I'm not so good with complainers!  And well,...I'm not a critical person, but I can tell that I need to offer this person a better listening ear, and allow them to express themselves without telling them what they need to be doing to be happier, or to give them platitudes.  (I'm great with that! But apparently it is not helpful to those who struggle in certain ways.)  I need to serve people like this more patiently, and with greater understanding. I need to leave their healing to the Savior, and just love them.

I recommend the WHOLE article, but here's a little to feast on:

Carrying Others to the Pool of Bethesda (BY ANN E. TANNER)

In the fifth chapter of John, the Savior goes to Jerusalem during the “feast of the Jews,” or Passover (see verse 1). He decides to visit the pool of Bethesda. Tradition had it that when the waters of the pool moved, or were troubled by an angel (verse 4), the first person immersed in the water would be completely healed. 

We know that the pool attracted the “blind, halt, withered,” and others who were sick or had disabilities (verse 3). The day the Savior visited was no different.

“And a certain man was there, which had an infirmity thirty and eight years. 

“When Jesus saw him lie, and knew that he had been now a long time in that case, he saith unto him, Wilt thou be made whole? 

“The impotent man answered him, Sir, I have no man, when the water is troubled, to put me into the pool: but while I am coming, another steppeth down before me.

“Jesus saith unto him, Rise, take up thy bed, and walk. And immediately the man was made whole, and took up his bed, and walked” (verses 5–9). 

There are many in the Church today who wait, metaphorically speaking, by the pool of Bethesda hoping to be carried into the healing waters. War veterans might suffer from horrific memories and broken bodies. Other Saints might suffer from the isolation of depression or addiction. Widows live alone or face failing health; families feel devastated by a child’s illness or an unexpected accident; and caregivers work long, lonely hours taking care of a family member. Who will carry these infirm to the pool?

The Savior provided five distinctive examples during His visit to the pool that can serve as guidelines to us in ministering to the sick and afflicted:

1. He looked for one in need.
2. He listened without criticism.
3. He often gave anonymously.
4. He understood and acknowledged grief or disease.
5. He followed up with the sufferer.

And here are the parts that particularly stood out to me.

Listen without Criticism
In John 5:6 we learn that the Savior saw the infirm man “and knew that he had been now a long time in that case.” The Savior allowed the man to explain his situation and his need. Because we are not omniscient, we need to first listen—and do so without being critical.

Often, what is needed most is for us to be prayerful and to listen without giving advice or platitudes. People who are suffering don’t need our explanations for their condition. Our well-meaning attempts to put the situation in perspective (our perspective) can unintentionally come across as demeaning or insensitive. In preparing this article and conducting research, I asked numerous individuals what had been most helpful in returning to health and functionality. Every person said they needed someone to listen to their story or situation without being critical.

When we are prayerful, the Spirit can help us know what to say. We might think about saying “I’m so sorry for your loss,” or “I don’t know exactly how you feel, but I’m happy to help in any way possible,” or simply give a hug, or talk to the grieving person about a favorite memory of their loved one. In doing so, we are listening and responding in a Christlike way 

Learn about Grief

We know from other scripture that Jesus Christ knows intimately all that we suffer and experience. As Isaiah 53:5 teaches, He “was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.” Jesus Christ had learned about and experienced what we suffer so that He could “know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities” (Alma 7:12).

We also can learn and study about what typically happens to individuals in time of crisis.

• Know that people tend to lose their concentration and ability to think clearly for sustained periods.

• Know that victims and patients are not always able to maintain normal sleep patterns.

• Know that many feel a sense of helplessness and numbness. ¹  

• Know that grief is a normal and natural reaction to loss ² and that the victim might not have the energy to respond to requests and questions.

 Be prayerful and as you learn these things, you can increase empathy and compassion for the individual and improve your ability to look for needs. 

The Savior performed many miracles during His earthly ministry, including the one He performed at Bethesda. Ultimately, healing comes from the Savior Himself, but we can help continue His work of making people whole as we minster to those who face sickness, grief, or disabilities. By using the Savior as our guiding light, we too can learn to find a need, listen without criticism, give anonymously, learn about disease and grief, and follow up with the sufferer.

When this person I have a hard time with comes around again, I assure you that my outlook of how to help them will change. I will not so much try to "heal" them with teaching them how to implement my ideas, instead I will to comfort them with by listening, and praying for words from the spirit of God.

I hope that if you are in this kind of situation that you will have some tools to help you through.  I'd love to hear how it goes for you.

All my best,
Christine